Farts – They Will Not Kill You

Dear KK,

If farting were an Olympic sport, our family would require several large cupboards to hold all of our gold medals. Perhaps, when you grow up, you can campaign for our most powerful genetic trait to finally receive the recognition it deserves.  So, today, I’m sure you can guess – I’m finally getting around to talking about farts. This blog even references farts, which shows you how important they are to me.

So, when I went to see the lady who makes my fresh watermelon juice for me, which, incidentally, is apparently good for your gut health, I had a chat with her son. First let me tell you a little bit about my juice lady. She comes from another Central American country and the last time we talked about it, she was up to something like 52 grand children. She, apparently, is a skilled herbalist. Clearly those skills extend to reducing infant mortality but not to providing birth control. Nevertheless, she has passed some of her knowledge down to various family members. Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe in the process of passing down traditions verbally from one generation to the next, but I am also well aware at how crap we are at getting instructions right in the first place, remembering them and then passing them on.

There used to be a game we played called ‘Chinese Whispers’ when I was a child. I’m sure that there is a reason why we shouldn’t use that name anymore. Hang on while I ‘google’ it. (I’ve put ‘google’ in inverted commas because I have no idea if Google will still exist when you get old enough to read this. If not, google it, or ask your robot or something.)  OK, I’m back. Yes, apparently some consider the name ‘Chinese Whispers’ to be offensive and while I have no hesitation being offensive, as per a previous letter to you, being offensive unintentionally is not my cup of tea.

So, we’ll use one of the other names, the same game has – ‘Operator’.  In this game, you whisper something to the person next to you and they, in turn whisper it to the next person. You go down a line of people like this until the last person says out loud, what they think the heard. Very rarely is the last thing heard anything like the first whisper and this is my concern with medicinal traditions being passed down verbally. I like writing things down. You can probably tell by now. That’s why I’m writing these letters to you and sharing my own wisdom, very little of which is medicinal.

That aside, let’s get back to farting. So the fruit lady’s son chatted to me while I waited for my juice to be made. Let me explain how that works first. I go in the day before and ask if I can order some juice. She tells me it will take 10 minutes (meaning 20 minutes in reality). I explain that I don’t have time, but could she make me some for tomorrow.  She agrees and asks me what time I want to collect it and I tell her that 9am is a good time. I arrive at 9am the next day and then wait 20 minutes while she makes it. It’s a little routine that we’ve perfected over the years. Anyway, while she’s making my juice, her son decides to sell me various other things, one of which was salsa with fresh ginger. He went on to explain that ginger is good for your stomach and that it’s important in reducing gas because, apparently, he’s learned that farts can get into your heart and kill you.

Now, I’m no medical expert, but I’m a bit dubious of dying of fart. I mean, we’ve had farts in our family for generations and as far as I know, none of us have died of fart. We may have caused other people to believe they might die because of our farts, but as yet, I don’t think we’ve even managed to kill anyone else by fart either.  We discussed farting for 20 minutes, to be exact (because that’s how long it takes to make my juice) and then got on to farting etiquette and how he teaches his children when they need to fart silently.  I have to admit, that this is something every good father should pass on to his children and I have no doubt your Dad will too, though I’m not sure that our own etiquette is up to par really.  Your Mom is quite classy though, so hopefully some of that will rub off.

Your Dad and I hadn’t seen each other for a long time when we were young because I was living abroad and he was much younger than me. It didn’t matter, because like siblings of so many species, we recognised each other through olfaction, which is a fancy word for ‘using our noses’.  This is our family skill set and we all feel blessed to have and to share it. Your Dad was around 14 years old at the time (I’m quite a bit older than him) and so I thought it time for him to develop his family trait to a higher level and taught him to light his farts with a match.  When you are about to move from being a child to being a man, I expect that he will also take you through this very special ritual.

Your Badass Auntie piece of wisdom for today is to never hold a good fart in unless you are dating someone you seriously want to have a long term relationship with. I took pills called ‘wind eze’ for three months when I met your Tia. She had no idea about my special gift until it was too late. She was already hooked. She claims she was tricked.

Much love from your Badass Auntie

Dear CK,

I just wrote your brother a letter about farting. Perhaps we should remain on this theme. It’s something very dear to my heart and I believe it’s fortuitous that ‘heart’ and ‘fart’ rhyme. If I were a rapper, which I most definitely am not, I would definitely be taking advantage of that great rhyme.

According to stupid rules about girls, you’re not supposed to fart at all and if you do, it should be done silently and in private.  Well, fuck that! You’re a baby right now, so any farts you produce, whatever your gender, will automatically be considered cute and/or funny.  I have no idea who created the rules about gender and farting or at what age a girl is magically no longer supposed to fart anymore, but I wouldn’t pay much attention to it. Even if you tried to follow those rules, trust me, your gift is too great to waste on silly rules.

Before breaking the rules, though, it is important to know a little more about farts. First, and most importantly, scientists right now have stated that smelling farts is good for your health. By the time you read this, they may have even discovered life saving properties in farts, which will make your gift even more valuable. But for now know that farting is not just good for you, but if anyone complains, you can tell them they should be grateful because you are helping them.

Next, you need to know about different sorts of farts. Here is a list starting with the basics:

• Loud and flappy – These are the sort of farts you can make when you are totally relaxed. Usually they don’t smell much, but the noise is so very rewarding, you won’t need the aroma to enhance the experience.
• Squeakers – These are more like little toots of pleasure that sometimes require a little encouragement. These can trick you sometimes and may leave sweet little brown marks in your knickers to remind you of them.
• Silent but deadly – These are the famous, potent farts that are most popular on planes and in elevators. Ignore the deadly part and read my letter to your brother above. You won’t kill people with your farts, but be warned. They might want to kill you.
• Sharts – These are the next step up from the forced squeakers. You aren’t just left with a pretty little streak in your gusset, but more of a squelchy reminder that perhaps you should have shat before you farted.
• Gigglefarts – These happen when you laugh. They are just expressions of your delight and should be appreciated as such. If someone makes you gigglefart, you might want to date them.
• Snarts – These are a cross between a sneeze and a fart. These happen when your body just wants to let loose, spread some virus spores and fecal matter all at the same time. Our bodies are capable of extraordinary feats and so these should be celebrated.
• Through the flange lip farts – These can happen when you are sitting or lying down and the air gets trapped and can’t escape through the back of your body, so it finds a path between your thighs, often having to skirt into your labia lips, to sneak out.  These are not to be confused with fanny farts (The word ‘fanny’ means something different in the UK than it does in the USA. Ask your Dad, Mom or your robot), which are not really farts at all, but even more skillful gifts if you can produce them on demand.  I had a friend once who would do fanny farts as a party trick. She was invited to lots of parties, so you might want to work on this.

There you have it, a brief list of farts to enable you to further enhance your abilities.  I know this blog is by lined ‘why your farts don’t smell’ and I admit it’s a bit misleading.  What I really meant, is why your farts won’t really smell bad to you at all (except for the sharts – those usually need to be taken care of early). In fact, if you are like your Badass Auntie, you may learn to love the smell of your own farts and not just the smell, but the sound as well.  There’s nothing quite so satisfying as walking down the road, letting off toots in rhythm with your step, or, even better, being able to train yourself to fart the theme of Space Odyssey, which your very talented Badass Auntie once accomplished.

I will now share with you my Badass Auntie wisdom of the day. Shart plenty right now. Someone else will clean it for you. Do not shart in school. You will have to sit in it all day, so make sure that you shit before you go to school in the morning so that you can fart in class. Be sure to remember that farts resonate loudly on wooden and plastic seats, so make sure that you are prepared for others to be so over awed by your gift that they may tease you out of jealousy. Once you learn to fanny fart, they’ll all be inviting you to their parties.

Much love from your Badass Auntie