I’ve decided to start my own religious cult. I shall be its High Priestess. The name of my cult is ‘Juice = Squeeze’.
You see, an old friend of mine from the USA, who truly knew his shit from his shinola (another priceless phrase of his), taught me this very important philosophy, which has ultimately turned into a way of life for me.
Everything I do, every single day, is governed by the same question ‘Is the juice worth the squeeze?’ I’ve discovered, over time, that there is no situation to which which this question does not apply. If you don’t believe me, let’s run a few possibilities by you, just to give you a little squeezy feel.
Waking up in the morning to be confronted by a sink full of dishes, my pre cult mind would have looked at them and felt a tug of obligation to do them. If I didn’t do them, I’d then feel guilty. Now that I am firmly ensconced into my new religious lifestyle, I simply ask myself ‘Is the juice worth the squeeze?’ This allows me to make a completely guilt free decision and get on the rest of my day without a care in the world.
If you’re scratching your head and finding this all a little bit too complicated, I’ll break it down for you and attempt to convert you in the process.
Dishes – Juice = Squeeze
How much do I hate dirty dishes right now, at this moment in my life? Do I hate them enough for it to be worth washing them right now?
What are the benefits of doing the dishes now?
- They won’t stink – I won’t be here and won’t have to smell them.
- Bugs won’t come – It’s far too early in the decomposition process to attract bugs for at least another 8 hours.
- I can use the sink for other things – There is a sink in the bathroom.
- I won’t have to do them later, when all of the above may no longer apply but I’ll hate washing them even more – It doesn’t matter how I will feel about it later. This is about how I feel about it now.
- I won’t be embarrassed when someone visits – Since when have you been embarrassed about anything?
As you can see, that process is quite convoluted. Now, instead of taking time to list out the pros and cons, all I have to do is ask myself ‘Is the juice worth the squeeze?’ The cult programming I’ve undertaken means that I can instantly compute the answer to that question, which, where the dishes are most often concerned is a hearty ‘No! Of course it’s not worth the fucking squeeze’.
Let’s try another one, shall we?
Dealing with idiot arsewipe (insert type of idiot arsewipe here – could be a Trump supporter, a bigot, someone who shares crap online without checking sources, someone who likes Celine Dion or Justin Bieber…take your pick) – Juice = Squeeze
Is this person online or are they someone I know at all? Are they someone I’ve fucked or am fucking? Are they someone I’m related to? Are they someone I’m dealing with in person right now?
What are the benefits of continuing to interact with idiot arsewipe?
- They won’t stink or attract bugs – Wait a minute! That was the dishes. But it sort of works here.
- They may actually listen to me – Very unlikely. Idiots don’t listen and have an aversion to learning.
- They are serving me food – Might be worth playing along for now.
- They are paying me enough – Probably not. There’s just not enough money in the world.
- They are someone in authority with immense power – Agree with everything they say immediately and smile. Squish and flash cleavage if advantageous.
Again, there is no need to even go through this thought process when you are perfectly comfortable and familiar with the Juice = Sqeeze way of life. One brief moment of your life and the ‘Is the juice worth the sqeeze?’ question will flash through your mind. You will instantly create the perfect answer for the circumstances and respond accordingly.
That was fun. Wasn’t it? Let’s round it off with one final example, just to prove, ultimately, that you may just start to worship at my feet right about now. Luckily for you, I have a very nice pedicure, which, I did myself. You know why? Because I when I thought about paying for someone to paint colour on my toes, I asked myself ‘Is the juice worth the squeeze?’ Of course it fucking isn’t. Until the day that I can’t reach my own toes, I’ll paint them myself.
Imagine you’re starving. Like about to faint if you don’t eat food now starving. Not like you’re living on a desert island naked and afraid starving. More like, you have a hangover and that huge breakfast only made you hungrier sort of starving.
Cook healthy meal – Juice = Squeeze
You went out shopping specially earlier in the week and you’ve been thawing that meat all night. The asparagus is about to wilt.
What are the benefits of cooking healthy meal?
- Food won’t go to waste – You’ve been wasting food your whole life you privileged wanker. Why is today special?
- Your body craves healthy food – Your body craves any food right now. Pizza?
- You’ll feel better about yourself – If cooking a meal, with a hangover, is what you require to repair years of poor self esteem, you really have some serious thinking to do.
- You’ll have leftovers tomorrow – Now, that’s tempting but you know what else you’ll have? You’ll have fucking dishes to wash and we’ve already determined that washing them really does not fare well on the juice to squeeze scale.
See! You could have just asked yourself that one, quick and easy to remember question. ‘Is the juice worth the squeeze?’ and by the time you sounded out the ‘z’, the pizza delivery person would be halfway to your house.
The really great thing about my cult is that you aren’t required to make any live sacrifices, give any money, try to wrap your head around whether virgins can have babies, animals can talk or whether or not you’d rather burn for eternity with all the cool people. All you have to do is commit yourself to asking a simple question, numerous times daily. Almost like a chant or mantra.
Fuck it. Look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and use it as one of those affirmation thingies. Don’t bother with the ‘I’m the greatest’, ‘I’m the smartest’, ‘I’m the most beautiful’, ‘I’m amazing’ bullshit.
Just asking yourself the question ‘Is the juice worth the squeeze?’ might just be the key to your ultimate blissful nerv-ona …as in, no one will get on your last nerve ever again. The truth is you’re not the most or best anything. But once you have mastered the fine art of Juice = Squeeze, it won’t matter anymore because seriously, is all the work it takes to be the greatest, smartest, richest, thinnest, hottest, anythingest actually worth the squeeze.
There is an easy answer to that and all you have to do is ask yourself that question, every single day about every single thing.