Do you ever look into a dog’s eyes and simultaneously see wisdom and despair? I’m not talking about those poor dogs on the adverts asking for money to save them from starvation and abuse. I’m talking about dogs that belong to really stupid people. It’s disconcerting actually. The dogs are normally fed, watered and, by all accounts, appear to be perfectly well cared for, but it’s their souls that are suffering.
OK. I’m not quite sure about the ‘souls’ bit. I’m not convinced humans have souls so suggesting that dogs do would be fucking silly. But, let’s just run with this thought – if they did have souls, would those souls be destroyed by being forced to cohabit with the souls of deeply dumb humans?
Take a moment to imagine sitting in a kennel at the local shelter and someone comes to your door. Perhaps you are on death row, or simply in need of some home comforts. Your eyes meet. The person who sees you knows that they have found ‘the one’. All the while, you are screaming inside ‘Nooooooooooooooooooooo!’ because you know that you are now doomed to a future of banality, poor taste and a lack of culture. Even worse, they might do that idiotic ‘pssst’ noise that they saw Cesar Millan do on a TV show or make you eat tumeric and coconut oil to cure your worms or cancer or whatever fucking disease they won’t pay a vet to cure you of.
Many years ago, when I was studying to be a dog trainer (yes, in one of my many incarnations, I was, in fact, a professional and very badass dog trainer), my teacher was discussing dogs that won’t come back when they are called. You know the kind of dog – the owner cheerfully lets them off the leash to play with other dogs, chase squirrels, piss on trees, bite children on bicycles, whatever… and then, when they want the dog to come back, the little fucker ignores them. Sometimes, he doesn’t just ignore them. Sometimes, he runs as fast as possible in the other direction. My teacher said, in all his wisdom, ‘tell those owners to let their dogs go and find someone they do love’.
Now, in hindsight, I see exactly what he means. I think those are the dogs, whose imaginary souls, are pleading for someone to rescue them from an incurably boring and stupid owner. It makes you wonder if all of those dogs filling the shelters are there voluntarily, hoping for for reprieve from the suffering inflicted upon them by the incredibly and painfully stupid. I think those adverts for dogs in need should start focusing on this aspect and remind people that even if dogs don’t have souls, they have standards.
So, I implore you, smart people – adopt more dogs. Don’t leave them for the stupid. Let the stupid continue to have human babies, far too many, as they normally do. At least children reach an age when they are no longer expected to come back when they are called. Today, I am ungrateful for the huge number of stupid people that not only inflict themselves upon the rest of us, but who also inflict themselves upon dogs. They say that people are most likely to be bitten by a dog they know. Maybe it’s the other way round. Maybe people are most likely to be bitten by a dog that knows them – and knows they are stupid.