After recovering from yesterday, today turned into a busy and productive day. I’m ambivalent about being productive. While, on one hand, it allows me time to do fun things away from the office, on the other hand, I’ve wasted away perfectly good procrastination time. This then leaves me stressed, as I’ll now need to procrastinate for longer next time, so that I can catch up on all my favourite procrastination activities.
One of my favourite ways to procrastinate is to use my partner’s account to stalk a Facebook page that I won’t join. The reason I won’t join it is because, I would not be able to stop myself from commenting. Impulse control isn’t one of my strongest character traits, especially when confronted with people I think are idiots. I feel absolutely compelled to let them know that I think they are idiots. Usually, they tolerate it for a while and accuse me of being condescending. That’s the point at which I start being condescending and sarcastic at the same time. And then I get banned.
If I were banned from this page, I would lose one of my favourite procrastinating tools, so that’s why I have to use my partner’s account. She would not tolerate me posting in her name and while I have no impulse control when dealing with people I don’t like, I’m a very well behaved partner, especially when it involves the key to my procrastination hobbies.
Why I get so much intense pleasure by allowing myself to be annoyed by other people’s idiocy, I’ll never fathom. I don’t find them amusing or even entertaining. I find them utterly irritating and yet, in some masochistic way, I keep going back for more. Perhaps I’m just biding my time. There may come a day when I will have to join the page to finally vent my spite. And then I’ll be sad. Because I’ll have to use my time more productively. It’s a nightmare that I think I’ll never wake from, this vicious revolving door of productivity followed by frantic self flagellating procrastination.
So, today I’m keeping my meditation short and sweet. Today I am fucking ungrateful for being productive. If I could stop myself from being so fucking efficient sometimes, I could enjoy being aggravated more often and could revel in my frustration at not being able to lash out. Tomorrow I’m taking a day off from productivity and procrastination. The cycle must be broken.