Oh today is a perfect day for being ungrateful. I couldn’t have been more entitled and ungrateful if I tried. You see, things didn’t go my way and so I had a meltdown. Let’s start at the beginning.
I have more work to do today, Sunday, than I’d like to because I work for myself. That means that I can procrastinate and then get all huffy about having to work on Sunday even though I had plenty of time to do the work on other days this week. I just found that looking at pictures of Donald Trump photoshopped as Spam were more important. So, I wake up, already annoyed and I head to the office, which I should point out to make you realise just how fucking entitled I actually am, is under my house.
With a cup of tea in hand, I mindlessly tap in the password. It doesn’t work. In a world of pretty much instant gratification, that does not go down well. It, of course, required me to type harder next time. When that didn’t work, I started to panic because of course in my privileged life, a password not working is a major stress factor. No, I’m not being chased by a predator. I don’t have a terminal illness. I’m not about to give birth. I just can’t get the fucking password on my computer to work.
Oh. My. Fucking. God. I suddenly realised that the key on the keyboard that is the first letter of my password was stuck. I could have just thrown the computer out the window and been done with it because, this is, right now, the end of my world. But, no. Instead I stomp upstairs to tell my partner that I finally am going to have to get a new laptop, which admittedly, has been on the cards for sometime. Oh and I dramatically flounce and huff that my entire day, maybe even my life, has now been ruined because I can’t get into my computer.
My partner, sensibly, offers me one of her usb keyboards. OK, let’s just press pause for a moment. I want to stop so you can take stock of this. Not only do we have more than one computer, but clearly there is more than one usb keyboard available. Seriously, my personal state of consumerism makes me choke sometimes. In all fairness we do run a business and require all of this shit, but still.
So, I stomp downstairs and of course the usb keyboard works. Not only does it work, but magically, the stuck key on my keyboard works too. Never mind. I need a new computer. Fuck all the work that I am meant to be doing and the deadlines creeping up on me. I. Must. Shop.
So, I go to Dell, as they seem to be having a sale and, after an hour of shopping find the most perfect laptop ever. It’s 48% off in a sale that ends shortly and I can get it for well under my anticipated budget. I’m delirious. And then. My life is ruined for the second time in one day. I don’t live in the USA, so my billing address is not in the USA. On the billing address drop down menu, there was no option but for anywhere but the USA.
I quickly get onto their chat helpline where the polite, but incredibly unhelpful Agent Satyanarayna (at least he sounds like someone in a James Bond movie) explains that they do not accept international credit cards. I’m apoplectic. ‘What do you mean you do not accept international credit cards? If I plonk my credit card down in any shop in the USA, they accept it. In fact, they don’t even ask for a signature. What sort of big international company doesn’t accept foreign credit cards online?’ I’m sure you realise that my protestations did not make a blind bit of difference except for the ‘I’m very sorry you feel that way’ response I received multiple times and a promise to make their marketing department aware, as if they aren’t already fucking aware.
So, now I’m in despair because after having had my consumer needs raised to such a delirious and fleeting height, they were dashed completely and I felt like a melting snowflake on my very own floor. Fortunately, I have a brother in the USA, who is helpful at times like this. Well, except that he comes with similar proclivities to delirious highs caused by shopping and makes sure that he cannot access easy cash, especially on a Sunday. So, of fucking course, he can’t just simply buy the computer for me. Nooooo. So, we hatch a plot. I will send him the money via Paypal and he will purchase the laptop with the money I send him.
Meanwhile, we’re counting down the minutes because they only save the contents of your shopping cart on the Dell page for 30 minutes. I frantically arrange the payment to him through my Paypal account, which I use frequently and so have no worries. It doesn’t fucking work. It says he won’t accept the payment. So, we google the error, try the fixes and fucking nothing. We then try every single online payment scheme we can wrangle up, but it seems that because they are all fucking USA companies, having debit and credit cards, even though they are standard makes and would be accepted, in person, anywhere in the USA or even the whole fucking world, and are accepted by most online shopping services, are today, on the day when my computer needs to be replaced even though it’s actually working and I’m on a countdown before my Dell shopping cart is emptied and I lose my beautiful new 48% off laptop, are not being accepted any, fucking, where. Have I mentioned I hate my life yet? I think this is an appropriate time.
My brother was very sympathetic and understanding and suggested I try getting my mother, also in the USA, to try. Looking at the time and realising that I’d spent nearly 5 hours trying to buy this new fucking computer and that it was Sunday and my technology hating mother would have already consumed sufficient quantities of wine to make this an unrealistic prospect, I simply gave up. Well, almost. Not before having a major strop and announcing that my day was ruined, I had a headache and that the much anticipated dinner that I was going to be cooking was no longer on the cards because now I had to work to catch up and meet my deadlines.
I now have a cup of chamomile tea beside me and some nice Italian food on it’s way to be delivered. Wine was even offered and those that know me will be surprised that I turned it down (I have deadlines to meet). So, today I am fucking ungrateful for these companies that tease and torment me with products that I not only want, but actually need and then refuse my money because they can’t be fucking bothered to put anything but ‘USA’ in their drop down menus. Well Dell. Fuck you. And guess what, I found a Facebook site dedicated to just that!
I feel better now.