Dear Donald – 6 Ways You Can Win the USA Election

Dear Donald – or may I call you DT,

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Badass Auntie. We possibly have more in common than either you or I would like to believe. We both have the propensity to be brash. We say what we think and that often pisses people off. We have a fixation with our hair. We evoke strong feelings in people and those that are on our side are fiercely loyal – until the moment we are thoughtless with our words. It happens to the best of us – huh?

You remind me of one of my favourite people, may he rest in peace. He was from your part of the USA. He was very rich – a multi millionaire though, not a multi billionaire, but hey, who’s going to argue over a few zeros. He was a family man and involved his family in his business. When I first met him, I thought he was a bit of an arse. He flashed his affluence around – you know, a bit like writing your name over your buildings in gold. He came across as quite a bit sexist and even a little bit racist. One thing he didn’t seem to be at all was homophobic and as I also happen to be queer, he scored some points there. See how you remind me of him?

donald tweet sexist not homophobic

See, a little bit sexist, but not homophobic…well…uh

The thing was that he had a good heart underneath it all and he was actually much less racist and sexist than your average garden variety of his and your generation. The problem was his image. The things he said made him seem far more sexist and racist than he actually was but he just didn’t get it. He thought he was just being honest and that people who got upset were just thin skinned liberals who probably thought the same things he did but wouldn’t dare say it. And, he was probably correct about that in many cases. He loved lewd jokes, but often crossed the line into cringeworthy material. I might have laughed, but I certainly would have never done so in public and, I would chastise him.

His image. That was the problem. A lot of people just wouldn’t give him a chance because of his big, loud mouthed, show offy, entitled, attention seeking self. The people that did, found him to be an intelligent, thoughtful, kind, funny and loyal friend. They would also come to understand the source of his image problem. He was insecure. Deeply so. Most of it seemed to be tied up with his physical attractiveness to women and his financial substance. He came from a culture, much like yourself, where you believed you were measured as a man on your fatness of your wallet and the length of your dick.

This meant he had difficulties sticking to just one woman, which made his life complicated. It also meant that he was always looking for ways to make more money, something bigger, something better. He went through his life well loved, with many sexual conquests, rich as hell and he died insecure and anxious. I, on the other hand, have never been rich, feel entirely comfortable with my sexual attractiveness (which I must point out is excellent) and have, so far, lived my life feeling tremendously lucky and satisfied. I also expect to die that way.

So, while my good friend was a alive, I helped him and guided him with his image and much of it worked. He became much more likable, civilised and not so embarrassing. He also stopped wearing those gaudy gold Rolex watches, which he seemed to think made him look rich, rather than tacky. As if they somehow made him more attractive. Well, I suppose they did, but not to people who would genuinely appreciate him and love him in a meaningful way. One other thing…he was an outstanding salesman and could probably sell a steak to a vegan. I have no doubt you may have done this yourself, especially as you sell steaks. You do…don’t you?

So, this is why I feel inspired to reach out to you with some of my Badass Auntie wisdom. DT, you need some help with your image. Normally, I write to my niece and nephew to dish out this life counsel, but I just felt this urge to try to help you achieve your real life goals and, perhaps, stop feeling so worried about your hair, your hands, your erections or whether or not people really like you. And before we go on, guess what – being President of the United States  (POTUS) won’t achieve any of that.

I have no idea whether you really wanted to be POTUS when you started off on this journey. Nor, do I know whether you actually want the job now. All I can do is to observe your behaviour throughout and well, DT, it’s not been exemplary. In the world of politics and real estate, your true calling, exemplary behaviour has never been much of a measuring stick anyway, so I can see why you feel you can get away with it. But DT, seriously. It doesn’t look good when you do it without any finesse whatsoever.

Trump hats

Look, you know and I know that your appeal is among some very specific groups of people. I’d say the first and foremost are the extremely unclever. These are folks  who really do agree with some of the more thoughtless things you have said – yes, yes, yes, I know you don’t really mean them and you are just trying to make a point and why does everyone have to take everything you say so literally – but I don’t think it behooves you to cultivate relationships with people with whom you wouldn’t share a meal, much less employ. Because, come on, if there is one thing you are known for is telling people ‘you’re fired’ and for claiming to have very high standards in what you expect in other fellow human beings…and yourself for that matter. You need to stop letting things slip. You’re selling your soul to the media, who are smirking as they troll you in the guise of interviews. You don’t even seem to notice. Maybe it’s your fringe that’s blinding you (as in your hair fringe, but it could be the fringe loonies too – what a perfect word).

Seriously, is your ego so in need of stroking that it trumps (see what I did there?) your desire to excel? You’d rather be fawned over by fools? DT, you can’t claim to be the popular boy at school if your popularity is only characterised by the most unpopular children, who are only your friends because you’re the only one who will have them. If you were truly committed to excelling, you wouldn’t be making yourself the poster boy for the utterly stupid and ignorant. You have some really smart people working for you and with you and it’s only because they need their job and have to resort to sychophancy to keep it(due to your ego stroking dependence, which is no different than a drug dependence) that they haven’t slapped you across the face and said ‘Donald, pull yourself together man. Have some fucking pride!’. But they don’t. And so that’s why I have to write you this letter.

You don’t live in a bubble. In fact, you live in less of a bubble than many other politicians and that’s a good thing. So, you can’t pretend you don’t know that people are committing quite awful racist attacks because they believe that you, a presidential candidate, a smart and successful man, someone they aspire to be, have said it’s OK. Yes, yes, yes DT, I do realise that wasn’t your intention, but it’s what’s happened and you really need to put your big man panties on and own up to it.

If you actually came out and said ‘You know what. I’ve never done this presidential candidacy before and I really had no idea how much power and influence it would allow me. Because of that, I’ve said some rather thoughtless things and I understand that the last thing anyone would want in a president is someone thoughtless and who might say things that have unintended consequences. I really do need to learn to think about the repercussions of my words and behaviour if I am going to be real president material. So, please take this as a sincere apology and a promise that I am going to take advice before I talk about issues that could end up with people getting hurt or even killed.’ it would be triumphant image revamp. Say that and I’ll give you my direct line. You would be able to call me at any time should you get the urge to say stupid shit. No more free form impulsive Tweeting for you.

donald tweet 911

So, who are the other people who support you? Well, people who hate Hillary Clinton. So now you have another low standard. People are supporting you because you’re not as bad as the person they hate. Does that mean they really like you, respect you or admire you? No, you’re just the only other option on the menu. Really? That makes you feel good about yourself? Of course it doesn’t. In fact, late at night, I suspect that you think about this and it just adds to your anxiety. You want to be a winner in your own right. Yes, in business, where money is concerned, the rewards may be worth it, but not in this case. In this case, you know that you’re not really winning at all and I bet it your prescription for Viagra has had to be doubled.

The final group of people who may vote for you are people who are simply pissed off with the way politics have operated in recent years and who your sales spiel has actually worked on. Those people, yes, them – you can take a bit of credit for them. In their eyes you are an alternative …except…whoops…they are a bit embarrassed that you are the only alternative and constantly have to justify and work around the unappealing things about you – especially when it comes to things you’ve said and the lies you’ve told. And don’t get me started on the lies DT. There’s no excuse and it makes you look stupid. You’ve been in the public eye for long enough that every single lie comes back to haunt you and leave you open to ridicule and I know you don’t like being ridiculed. Small hands anyone?

So, DT, now we get to the crunch. Here is my Badass Auntie wisdom for you. You want to have genuine pride in what you’re doing? You want to be a candidate that people aren’t embarrassed about? You want the entire world to stop laughing at the USA – seriously mate, the world has never had a lower opinion of your fellow citizens because there’s a possibility that you might just become President and that can’t make you feel good – to be an international laughing stock that drags your whole country into the joke? You want people to admire you for being the sort of man that every man should want to be?  Here’s how.

1. Get a fucking decent hair cut DT. Truly, I’d say just shave it all off. Your hair style is weird and everyone laughs at it. I promise you – even your kids and wife probably do too, except they indulge you because they know how fragile your ego is. Any man who had confidence wouldn’t have hair like yours. Weird hairstyles designed to hide age and balding do nothing except tell the world that the man beneath the hair is deeply, deeply insecure and anxiety ridden.

2. Stop sounding like a right wing racist bigot. You’re probably not really one at all. Take some pride in your immigrant heritage and use that as a bond to connect you with people who might vote for you because anyone who is not Native American or African American came from ancestors who were immigrants, most of them economic and very few of them wealthy.

You may think that rallying up the scary abundance of real racists will win you more votes, but unless you really do believe in winning at all costs, that isn’t the way you want to win an election. I agree that the immigration system in the USA is completely buggered up, but there is a way to address that without fanning the flames of bigotry. DT, get a grip and realise that those racist idiots who are chanting your name while they are attacking black and brown people are probably not going to turn out for you on the day anyway. Most of them are probably not allowed to vote or will be too drunk or high on meth on election day. They are just exploiting your behaviour as an excuse to be the arseholes they truly are.


3. Stop lashing out like a child in a school yard whenever anyone criticises you. It makes you seem petty and weak. Strong men ignore bullshit and get on with their job. Pick your battles and make them admirable. Battle about real things. You mentioned once that you didn’t didn’t want to see people dying in the street because of lack of access to health care. Now there’s a battle everyone would love to see you fight.

4. Stop saying stupid things about other countries. You obviously have very little knowledge about foreign policy. Your experience of travel is limited to posh hotels, first class airport terminals and conference centres. I could provide you with a bucket of clues about other countries and cutures and you wouldn’t know what to do with it. That’s OK. Just don’t open your mouth about it and constantly look brainless.

5. Don’t lie to cover up your inadequacies or to back pedal out of things you’ve done. Real men own up to their mistakes, fix them and move on. The other thing you do that’s really annoying is argue about semantics. You don’t have a freakin’ steak company DT. Just get over it. The shovels of shit your poor PR people have to move daily to clean up after your breathtaking litany of misrepresentation, falsehoods, mendacity and prevarication. To name a few, you’ve lied about your previous stance on abortion, you’ve lied about your Tweets, you’ve lied about calling other people liars, you even lied about the size of your winery and speaking of size, you do realise that when you lie about everything else and then start talking about your penis

6. Stop with the creepy perv stuff. When you talk about your daughter in a sexual manner or slyly refer to a woman’s period (and then deny it, which is just childish), you come across as someone that definitely shouldn’t be allowed in public toilets. It’s fine to be a horny man, but if you don’t want people to think you’re disgusting and desperate, stop it. Just stop it.

DT, it’s time to show us how you’re going to be presidential. It’s time to show us that your’e a grown man, a father, an upstanding member of society and that you have dealt with your insecurities because if there’s one thing no one wants in a leader is one who makes them think, every time they see him on TV, ‘He really needs a good therapist and a hair cut.’

With regards from Badass Auntie

Dear USA citizens,

I felt I should write a second letter to you because it is you who will determine whether or not Donald Trump will be the next President of the United States. My letter to you will be more concise as I don’t think it requires much explanation.

What the actual fuckity fuck?????? Are you for fucking real???? You’ve given this orange, comb overed, entitled, whiny, childish bully of a man boy who most certainly has a really small penis (only explanation for his pathetic need for attention and constant reassurance) the opportunity to even be considered as your president? Do you honestly know how badly your entire population’s credibility has taken a hit?

Make America Cringe

It’s unlikely that you will ever live this down, ever. You look like a country of clowns for allowing this to happen. Pull yourselves to  fucking gether and do something! Anything. This isn’t fucking funny anymore. No one is laughing. If Donald Trump becomes your president, you will never, ever, ever recover and will go down in history as the biggest waste of a once great country with so much going for it that ever existed. The reputational collapse of the USA will be far more grim than the decline of any other empire in world history. Your country will become the world’s biggest reality TV show and it will be on a par with Honey Boo Boo and look how that ended.


With deep concern from Badass Auntie



10 thoughts on “Dear Donald – 6 Ways You Can Win the USA Election

    • We go back and forth between laughing and crying. The only blessing is that if Trumpy boo boo wins, we’ll get a better class of escaping expat moving here. The last lot escaping Obama, weren’t very good quality.


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