Excuse Me Sir, May I See Your Penis? – Your Step By Step Guide to Becoming a Pecker Inspector

Dear KK,

Every time I start to believe that the world is becoming a more sane, sensible and humane place, reality sends me to the naughty step to think about my silly beliefs again. My problem is that I’m a news junkie. I always have been. My guess is that it’s a form of control freakery – somehow if I know what’s going on in the world, it makes me feel more omnipresent and goddess like. Not that I can do a bloody thing about it, which sort of defeats the purpose, but I certainly can form opinions and I most definitely do that with joyous and gleeful abandon. I also share them fucklessly.  Oh, please allow me to introduce you to my new favourite word ‘fuckless’. It’s similar to ‘feckless’, which means ‘ineffective’, except ‘fuckless’ means ‘ineffucktive’. In other words, you give no fucks.  Isn’t that a glorious new word? I wish I could claim authorship, but according to the wonderful Urban Dictionary, I’m not the first to proclaim it.

Wow. That was very early onset digression, even for me. Let’s get back to the subject I wish to opine upon today. Today the matter at hand (oh that’s too funny in this context), yes, the matter at hand is the advent of the Pecker Inspector. It appears that certain government agencies in the USA are heavily vested in job creation and so they are establishing an entire new Penis Police force (as the local force hasn’t got even half a bucket of clues how they want to or if they want to be involved). I’m guessing that the highest ranking officer will be the Genital General and the lowest…oh the lowest is a gift…Privates Private. This is simply too much fun, so I shall have to rank their fellow officers. Of course you have Cock Corporal, Labial Lieutenant and Shlong Sergeant. And so we continue with Orifice Officer and Minge Major. I welcome further suggestions.

I know it’s hard to believe but under the guise of ‘religious freedom’ (I’m not sure when shitting and pissing became exclusively religious acts, but I do admit to feeling rather spiritual sometimes after a truly satisfying poo.) a new law has been introduced requiring that you have to use the public toilet that matches the gender on your birth certificate. Now, if you are a very poorly informed individual, who lives in a bubble of isolation from the rest of the world, this might seem very straight forward and common sense. I mean, the men’s room has a man’s picture on it. Men wear trousers, have short hair and, we’d assume that if their birth certificate says ‘male’ that they were born with a penis. The women’s room has a woman’s picture on it, which apparently proves that women have long hair, wear dresses and again, the logical conclusion is that if a birth certificate says ‘female’ that the person was born with a vagina – and of course, the local clerk confirmed this when signing said document.

That all seems perfectly reasonable. What’s all the hoo ha (Get it? Hoo ha?) about? And that’s the funny part really because the only two types of people who live in the country, where this law is currently big news, who could possible ask that question would be either really, really stupid or pretending to be really really stupid. I suppose you could make an exception for someone who lives in a cave somewhere who has had no access to information since the 70’s.

To get a grasp of what this all means, let’s look back to a time when very stupid arseholes supported the belief that black and white people should use separate public toilet facilities. It wasn’t that long ago really and only changed in the 60’s. The argument was often used that if you introduced integration for public toilets it would put white women at risk from black men because racists loved to push their fantasy that black men were predators. In fact, white racists actually killed a young black man, Samuel Younge Jr, for trying to use the white facilities in 1966, the year of my birth. Remind me who the predators were again.

And so we find ourselves, half a century later, in the same old southern part of the United States of America, discriminating against a minority by restricting their safe access to public toilets. What the actual fuck?  While it seems that no transgender person has been caught sexually misbehaving in public toilets a number of Republican men (yes, those old suited white men who make these idiotic laws) have. Whoopsie.

The irony about all of this is that men go into public facilities with, seemingly, the primary aim of removing their genitals from their protective covering and exposing their penis for the viewing pleasure of perfect strangers. Can there be any other reason why there are no separators between urinals or they don’t piss in stalls into toilets with the door closed, like they would do in their own home among people they actually know?

So, I’m starting to wonder if this law isn’t simply an attempt to make it legal to examine the penises of those entering a toilet before they even walk through the door. ‘Excuse me sir. May I see your penis?’ will be the refrain heard before entering the men’s room. In fact, it may be useful to issue penis ID cards to ensure that the penis so mentioned on the birth certificate is the same penis being presented. Yes, you’ll need to have your birth certificate with you in future if you wish to have a wizz in certain states. Crazy stuff. They are starting to want ID in some of those places any time you want to walk into a private booth. ID to vote and ID to shit. I’ll say no more about the natural symmetry of those two activities given the current upcoming elections in the USA.

I think I’ll end your letter on that entertaining note and delve further into this subject matter with your sister. Of course, I would never close a letter to you without sharing my worldly wisdom, so today’s Badass Auntie piece of advice to you is, if you’re going to have a piss or poop in a public toilet, focus on your own pee pee and let others worry about theirs. It’s really that simple. If you’re truly worried that someone will pay too much attention to yours then use it in private. That’s what those fucking stalls are for anyway. If you remember my previous letter to you, just sit down and piss because it’s highly unlikely your dick will touch the water and if it does, be grateful.

Much love from your Badass Auntie

Dear CK

I know you’ve probably read my letter to your brother and by now you’re very confused about why there is suddenly an issue about where people empty their bowels and bladder. Public toilets are often neglected by their caretakers and so can be relatively disgusting places to relax and enjoy one’s daily unctions. It doesn’t need to be that way and in civilised places they have toilet attendants to make sure that you have everything you need: cleanliness, safety and privacy. Seriously, those are the ingredients that make for a positive toilet experience, so why the fuck aren’t they legislating to make people take better care of toilets instead of trying to make it difficult for people to use them?

‘But wait a minute’, I hear the stupid whining, ‘why all the fuss? All we’re asking is for the boys to stay in their toilets and the girls to stay in their’s. Who doesn’t know if they are a boy or a girl?’ And there you have it. The crux of the problem. Whether a stranger, using a public toilet, is a boy or a girl, is simply none of your bloody good for nothing, nosy, dick inspecting, nosy arse business. Despite your narrow minded view of the world, based on your willful lack of education and world travel, not all boys, girls, men and women look or dress like the signs on the toilet doors. So, my little niece, today I’ m going to teach you about gender. I think you’ll discover that it’s not that complicated at all.

Let’s start with the basics. Gender is in your head. It’s not in your knickers. Many people spend far too much time thinking about what is in people’s knickers and what they do with it. We call those people ‘creepy perverts’, or, if you prefer, ‘religious fundamentalists’. To make it even easier to understand, if gender were in your knickers, all those poor veterans, who have lost their penises in war (and sadly there are 100’s of them) would no longer be considered men and that is simply stupid and horrible. ‘Oh but we’re talking about people who were born with penises. Those veterans would have been born with penises and even if they couldn’t pass the penis test at the door, their birth certificates would prove that they had been born with a penis’, chimes the voice of the backpedaling gender obsessor who doesn’t want to look like they are discriminating against the people who were genitally mutilated fighting for their freedom to stop people from having a shit.

Isn’t it cute when the unclever think they are so smart? Well here are two points that might just shatter your somewhat flimsy illusions. Firstly, people in many states in the USA are legally allowed to change their birth certificate following the surgery they may have undertaken to align their physical appearance with their gender identity. So, you may be presented with a birth certificate that says female, from someone who was born with a penis. Now, of course, for most normal people, that wouldn’t even be an issue. Then again, most normal people wouldn’t want to see someone’s birth certificate to enable them to empty their bowels.

But let’s get even more basic. Some girls are born with vaginas. That is true. Quite a few of them. I happen to be one of those people. Some girls are born with two vaginas. Not quite as common, but yes, some girls get more pussy per pound and all power to them. You know what else? Some girls are born with no vagina at all. In fact, some girls are born with a penis. Some even have a penis and a vagina. In fact, in the Domincan Republic about 1 in 90 children, known as guevedoces, born with vaginas and who have ‘girl’ written on their birth certificate, start to grow a penis when they reach puberty.  There are also girls born with testicles.  I understand that in the tiny life experience of some of these water closet wankwipes, some may never have realised that human beings come in many shapes, sizes and variations to the theme, so they can thank me for enlightening them after they read this.

Now, onto the boys. Quite a few boys are born with penises. Some boys are born with two penises. According to an owner of two penises, who wrote a book, much fun can be had with two penises if they both are fully functioning. Some boys are born with no penis. Some boys are born with a penis and a vagina. Again, these are all diverse types of humans and doctors simply have been inclined to make a decision, probably partly based on science and partly based on their own personal belief system as to whether they choose to write ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ on these babies’ birth certificates. Sometimes they are right and other times they are wrong.

Buck Angel Will Now Be Forced to Use the Women’s Restrooms. If you want to see his vagina, you’ll have to buy one of his videos.

Aside from knowing whether or not to paint your baby’s nursery blue or pink, knowing if your babies are being born with a penis or a vagina is not important in the slightest. Newborns are pretty much the same. They eat, piss, shit and scream. They don’t care if they are a boy or girl, whether you dress them in frills, football onesies or if you wish them to be gender neutral. They just want peace, love and comfort. Fuck, that’s all I want in life too. So, why is all of this such a big deal? Why are people so fucking scared that they might be ‘tricked’ by someone who looks like  a woman but who might have a penis and pee in the toilet with the person wearing a dress on the door?

If you listen to the law makers, they say it’s because they want to protect women and children. According to them, allowing transgender people into toilets means that men are legally allowed to go into public rest rooms and sexually assault others. What a load of fucking twaddle. First of all, it’s not ever legal to sexually assault anyone, so there’s already a law for that you wank muffins. Secondly transgender men are men and they simply want to have a piss. If they try to piss in the women’s facilities, the chances are that someone will call the police because……BECAUSE ‘THERE’S A FUCKING DUDE IN THE LADIES’ ROOM OFFICER’. That’s why transgender men go to the toilet in the men’s toilet. Because they are men. They might even be men with penises. They might be men with vaginas. But that’s not anyone else’s fucking business.

‘But, but, but…what about men dressing as women trying to perve on all us ladies in the women’s room?’ comes the outcry of the toiletly paranoid. Transgender women are not men dressed as women – let’s just get that out there. They are women dressed as women. Yes, they might have a penis and the chances are that they are rather horrified by that fact. Of course, as we know not everyone is alike, they might not be horrified at all that they have a penis. In fact, the woman in the cubicle next to you may actually be a woman with a vagina and wearing a strap on cock. So the fuck what. What business it is of yours? You might not have ever used your vagina to the full extent of its pleasure giving abilities, a fact that quite disgusts me as I see it as a waste of a perfectly good vagina. But, you see, what you do with your genitals and what they look like is not my fucking business and if the thought of me thinking about your vagina, what you do with it, what it looks like and how you use it makes you uncomfortable – good! Because that’s how you make transgender people feel by constantly questioning them about theirs.

So before I wind up this letter to you my lovely niece and as I’ve been so kind as to offer my guidance to some seriously misguided people in an effort to educate and spread awareness, I have two questions for them. May I come and watch while you ask Sgt. Shane Ortega, a helicopter crew chief from the US Army to allow you to view his penis? This I have to see.

I’d also like to ask you whether you feel comfortable asking this little girl to show you what’s in her knickers, in your effort to protect children from perverts. Huh?

So my darling niece, now that you’ve had your lesson on gender, I’ll give you my Badass Auntie wisdom on the subject. If you see someone and you’re not sure if they are a man or a woman. Don’t worry about it. You’ll have enough of your own fucking problems to worry about young lady!

Much love from your Badass Auntie

ps. I’m thinking of producing these t-shirts. Let me know if you want one.