Today we’re going to talk about tits. We all have them to a certain extent. Boys and girls start out with the same sorts of tits. Then, depending on genetics and hormones, around adolescence, tits belonging to most girls start growing. It happens to some boys too and unless they are transgender girls, it’s not very desirable. Some girls grow them early – definitely not desirable. Some girls don’t grow any, or they come late. Some girls get ginormous ones and some get two that in no way resemble each other. Essentially, boobs come in all shapes and so there is no such thing as the perfect tit – or perhaps, I should say that all breasts are beautiful.
I was one of those girls who not only got them growing pretty early but they were uncomfortably large. As a result, I experienced an early induction into the magic circle of big tit ownership. It’s a club of which membership is bizarrely sought by others through surgical means. It’s a club that I would prefer not to have been a member of, but must admit to having exploited from time to time. It’s a club that, for me, represents how girls and women are taught to never be fucking happy with their bodies.
I’ve always longed for smaller breasts because my fucking back hurts, my tits hurt when they bounce, I have to spend an inordinate amount of money on bras to contain them comfortably, buying clothes that fit is a challenge, I constantly lose food in my cleavage and I would have loved, just fucking once, to have been able to describe myself as ‘pert’.
And yet, thousands, if not tens or even hundreds of thousands of young women have happily risked their lives to join my club because they believe the perks (see what I did there) outweigh the downsides. In a world obsessed with boobs, a membership card to the big tit club provides women, willing to exploit them, with certain questionable advantages at times. I mean, I’ve learned to love my pendulous peaches and yes, sometimes flash my card (and cleavage) shamelessly, but like eating donuts cooked in dirty frying oil, it always leaves me feeling a bit scuzzy knowing that I can do those things, and even worse, that everyone just accepts it. It’s sort of hilariously, tragically funny too and men are the butt of the joke for the most part.
So, rather than just writing you a flippant letter about boobs, I felt I should do my homework and as it turns out, even as a lifelong, card carrying owner of breasts, I found that I didn’t know as much about them as I should.
I started with the classic writer thing of searching for synonyms. There is actually a page called 300 Alternative Words for Breasts. That’s a fuck of a lot of synonyms and, I must add, some very creative ones indeed. There has to be something pretty fucking special about a part of your anatomy to inspire so many different words. Just to put this into perspective, the largest collection of synonyms for ‘penis’ I could find was 172.
Some of the breast euphemisms I found completely bizarre. I’m still searching for the association with ‘llamas’, for example. Llamas? There are a disturbing number of weaponry references. I’m not sure if those originate with those who served in the military or those who consider breasts to be overwhelmingly powerful weapons of mass destruction. Food seems to conjure up the most popular mammary metaphors though. Who can forget Kelis, who publicly celebrated the magical power of tits by letting everyone know exactly what her ‘milk shakes‘ could do.
I’m not sure it’s even about sex most of the time. I’m extremely used to people staring at my own tits- men, far more than women. Most women are used to boobs and in my experience, very few lesbians have that uncontrollable fixation with them. On the other hand (and I did discuss this with some gay male friends just the other evening) even gay men fall victim to the powers of the female breast. In fact, some research indicates that women stare at other women’s breasts almost as often, but that it’s a comparative thing. I believe that.
I can be a bit like that when people have very beautiful eyes. I don’t want to fuck their eyes. I just want to look into them. And, so I believe it is with breasts. I should point out that it’s not just big breasts either. Small flat ones with pert nipples tend to have the exact same effect. In fact, there is actually a study that shows the richer a man is, the more he likes smaller boobs. A bit disconcertingly, the same study showed the hungrier a man was, the more he liked bigger ones.
So, little nephew, before I move on to your sister and impart her with the important knowledge that will help her to utilise her badass breasts when she gets older and also cope with possessing them before those around her are able to comprehend their power, I shall share my Badass Auntie wisdom of the day.
Breasts are very cool things. Treat them kindly. But most importantly, remember that they are attached to people. People are not boobs. Some people act like total tits, I’ll grant you that. If someone in possession of breasts chooses to amuse you with them, that is absolutely fine, but otherwise, never comment on them. The only exception is if your consenting sexual partner is in possession of a breast or two and you are being complimentary. Squeezing, them, honking them like horns or doing anything remotely clown like with them will most certainly confirm to their owner that you are a card-carrying member of the inferior gender society and have been granted ‘level expert’.
Much love from your Badass Auntie.
If you’ve read my letter to your brother, you’ll know that today is all about tits. It’s probable that at some time in the future, yours will begin to grow and you won’t be the only person who notices this. Inappropriate family members (at least that’s what happened to me) will comment upon them, state their opinion of them and may even feel that they have the right to touch them (they don’t!). I am an inappropriate family member, but I won’t be touching your boobs.
There is a risk I will comment upon them and I apologise in advance for this. I promise it will only be complimentary, although I can’t guarantee it won’t be in public. Maybe we can go bra shopping together. Your French Mimi’s sister was a pretty Badass Auntie herself and took me to buy my first bra. If a male family member comments on or touches your breasts, you are well within your rights to go completely berserker medieval because the idea that male family members can do this is fucking ridiculously medieval and calls for that response.
Aside from family members, it’s likely that other young people, especially boys, will notice. I’m not sure what to say to make this any easier, but it’s unlikely you’ll make it through school without them saying truly stupid things about your boobs, about other people’s boobs and about boobs in general. It would be very unusual if they didn’t try to cop a feel. They pretend it’s cute or funny. They pretend they can’t help themselves. It’s not and they can. It doesn’t really matter what you wear either.
There’s tons of advice adults will give you about how to deal with this. Some will tell you to ignore it – easy to do on the outside, but not so easy to do in your head. Others will tell you to make a joke about it, except it’s not fucking funny. Certainly a reaction of any sort is likely to make the boy feel like he has gotten your attention. It’s one of those horrid rites of passage that is both mortifying and humiliating for most young women who suffer through it. If you have big boobs, they’ll harass you about those and if you have small ones they’ll harass you about those too. The parents of boys who do this are the people responsible and unfortunately, there are simply a lot of arsewipe people breeding out there and passing on uncivilised and idiotic behaviour. I have my feelings about them and they are not politically correct. Let’s leave it at that.
Just remember one thing. People making you feel bad do not do it because they ‘like’ you. Stupid adults tell girls that boys are mean to them because they like them. That’s a fucking lie. Boys are mean to you to humiliate you and boys that grow up to be abusers get excited by humiliating girls. If people like you, they will want you to feel good. So, if any boy (or man for that matter) ever is mean to you, torments you or tries to make you feel embarrassed because you happen to have been gifted with a super power that they will never have, put them on your ‘he’s a fucking idiot’ list and treat him as such. From that moment on, he is shit on your shoe. Once you learn to give off that vibe, you’ll be on your way to the nirvana of idiot immunity and that’s something all breast owners need to achieve so that they can live comfortably with the power of breasts.
If you read my previous blog, you’ll know that I believe that women are superior to men in many ways. Of course, having this magical super power of breasts, seems to give us a huge advantage in this respect and this is why I am able to present you with this handy list:
10 Reasons Why Boobs are Badass (actually 9 reasons and 1 warning that they can become traitors)
1. Boobs can cause major distractions – The most commonly alleged magical ability of boobs is that they impair men’s ability to function. There are numerous reports that even photos of breasts have been responsible for car accidents. An infamous Russian ad reportedly caused over 500 car accidents in one day!
2. Human breasts are unique – Weirdly, no other species of mammal has breasts that enlarge during puberty or that stay swollen even when the owner of them is not pregnant. This is a human specific evolutionary phenomenon. I should mention that we’re almost the only species that use tits as part of sexual pleasure. Bonobos, scarily similar to us in sexual behaviour seem to fancy their boobs during sex too. The science guess at the reason for this is that we’re also the only animals that most regularly have face to face sex. Maybe we just like something to twiddle. Anthropologists and other scientists have studied the evolution of boobs for a long time and still don’t agree on a single answer. While there are some cultures who find the concept of boobs as sexual objects mystifying, it still seems that the vast majority of men from cultures all over the world find breasts attractive and even have widely varying tastes in terms of breast preferences based on size, shape, length and even aureola shape, colour and size.
3. Breasts produce human food and stuff that kills bacteria – Boobs produce food that sustains human life. If that isn’t magical enough, they also produce enzymes and things that can kill life threatening nasties like e coli, on contact. Truth be known, whether you’re vegan, carnivore or otherwise the only thing we know for sure about food is that the stuff that comes out of our woman boobs is the only food absolutely designed to be eaten only by humans. Oddly, size does not matter. Big and small boobs can produce just as much human food.
4. Boobs inspire music – Kelis wasn’t the only musical artist who celebrated boobs. Some of my favourite musicians of all time have written ditties about titties (that was so fun): Frank Zappa, Iggy Pop, The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Commodores and AC/DC. I have to admit that my favourite, to date, is by the relatively unknown band, The Fox Heads, called, rather unimaginatively, ‘Tits‘. Despite the lack of creativity in the name, they make the absolute best use of the previously mentioned number of alternative names for boobs and are lyrically quite genius. Have a listen. A song about boobs is likely to make you smile even more than actual boobs. Well it worked for me anyway.
5. Boobs help form culture – Breasts have defined women and fascinated the public throughout history, from Botticelli’s Venus, to Jayne Mansfield, then Dolly Parton, Pamela Anderson, Madonna (how could we forget her cone breasts) and of course the shocking moment Janet Jackson horrified the world by exposing a nipple on TV.
In the UK, traditionally, an entire page of tabloid newspapers is dedicated to bare breasts, while on social media people campaign to ‘free the nipple’ so that everyone can enjoy the power of ‘palookas bassoons’. (I know. WTF. But it’s on the list of synonyms.) In most of western Europe, women sunbathe topless and no one thinks much of it. In many parts of the world, women go through their daily lives bare breasted, yet, in other parts, women can’t even show their fucking shoulders.
6. Boobs have so much power that they can be used as forms of protest – There are actually living human people who find mothers feeding their babies offensive. That pretty much demonstrates the power of boobs – right there. When things are powerful, people want to ban them. When people want to ban things, they become more powerful and can then be used to make statements.
7. Boobs are like brains – The two most fatty organs in our female body are our brains and our breasts. I have no idea what that means or if it even means anything, but I choose to believe it means that brains, boobs and fat are all good things and should be celebrated.
8. Boobs can give orgasms – Many women can get sexual pleasure just through having their breasts touched. How fucking badass is that? An organ that can sustain the life of numerous other human beings and that can give you orgasms. Talk about a multi purpose design feature.
9. Men will make up shit to justify staring at breasts – Breasts are such an obsession that when a fake study claiming that staring at breasts would make men live longer circulated, it was widely accepted as true and continues to be quoted to this day.
10. Boobs can kill you – Yeah, this is the shitty thing about boobs. I’ve had a number of friends do battle with murderous boobs. Those tits are fucking traitors. Fucking arseholes, cozying up to cancer. It sucks and you might just have to choose to get rid of them, but the most badass thing about boobs is that even with all of the super powers they give us, women are just as fucking sexy and amazing without them as they are with them.
So my delightful little niece. My Badass Auntie wisdom for you today is boobs have a lot of things going for them and, if you’re anything like me, either society, the media, hormones – who knows what the fuck screws with our brains to be honest – but something will probably make you want to have boobs and then when you get them be dissatisfied with them. Boys and men will very often be so fascinated with them that they will behave foolishly. Don’t tolerate fools. Enjoy your boobs, love them, appreciate them, use their super powers when it suits you but remember that at the end of the day, they are just two jiggly sacks of fat with some glands in them.
Much love from your Badass Auntie