I’m sexist. I need to admit that right from the start. To be honest, most of the people I know are sexist, even if they would never admit it to themselves or others. I mean, on the outside, pretty much every single person I know claims to believe in equality between the genders, but deep down inside, I just don’t believe that’s the case. So, today I’m going to explore the reasons why. I’m going to piss a lot of people off and I’m going to give no fucks, because that’s the way a Badass Auntie rolls.
The best place to start with sexism is with my own. I know you’re my nephew and until you tell me otherwise, you are a boy child of the family, so this might sting a little bit. You come from robust stock though, so I know you’ll get over it. Also, I know that your father, my brother, will agree with me on this one. Women are better than men.
There. I said it. I can’t wait to be stalked by the men’s whining rights activists saying ‘See! See! Women want it all. They want to take over the world. See how oppressed we are by these evil Badass Auntie feminazis.’ Well, before I move on, please allow me to get my one and only reply to them over with. ‘Go eat a bag of dicks you pathetic knob weasels.’ Done.
So, now let’s move on. Women are indeed better than men. They just are. Anyone with any sense knows that. I don’t need any statistics or research or anything else to prove it. The reason for this is because women don’t have that debilitating handicap known as ‘dickness’ (TM for ‘dickness’ goes to your French Mimi). That’s all there is to it. Now don’t get me wrong. Women are perfectly capable of being arseholes. They can perform arseholery equally well as men, but they just don’t seem to choose to do so quite so often. The same goes with being obsessed with sex. Yes, some women are completely sex crazed, total freaks and probably not safe to be left alone with sheep, but for the most part, women are able to function throughout the day without constantly thinking about shagging.
Dickness is beautifully and eloquently explained in a video called…
How does my sexism affect my daily life? This is an important question to address because I deal with men on a daily basis. I’m laughing at myself as I write this but I do have male friends. I’m also still sexist. I even have heterosexual male friends. I have a brother and I have a nephew too. So how do I balance loving my male friends and family and thinking that by virtue of my gender alone, I’m just a little bit better than they are – as are their wives, mothers, girlfriends and female friends? Well, I suppose I just accept them for what they are. They are guys. Guys do shit. Not all of them, I do realise. I do have men friends who are absent of dickness. But still, often the shit that dickness produces is funny in a very juvenile and toilety sort of way – which I can enjoy. I can even indulge in a bit of surrogate dickness from time to time myself. Other times that shit is really fucking annoying but, as long as it isn’t harmful, I just give them a pass, ’cause they’re guys.
But Badass Auntie, why would you give them a pass? Doesn’t buying into their shit perpetuate the patriarchal system whereby we have lower expectations of men and therefore allow them to continue to oppress women? Yeah. It probably does a bit. But, on the other hand, I’ve spent half a century on this planet learning and observing what testosterone does. It’s not my favourite hormone. I’ve seen it turn adorable, sweet smelling boys into hairy, spotty smelly teenagers. I’ve seen it turn committed, hard working athletes into fucked up, angry monsters. I’ve seen the removal of it turn spraying cats, humping dogs and aggressive horses into calmer, nicer creatures. Testosterone is a powerful thing and it’s the source of all dickness.
How do we fight this ravage of dickness and testosterone? We don’t. Well, we do in domestic animals because we can, but I certainly am not sexist enough to suggest removing human testicles or giving men and boys dickness altering hormones. You know why? Because even though I think women are essentially better than men, I quite like men. I certainly like the men I like and they are very fine men. Some of the finest. I am lucky enough to know smart, creative, sexy, powerful, kind, emotional, gentle, strong, tough and beautiful men and I wouldn’t want to change them. Most of them would agree with me that women are better than men. But most of them would also agree that women aren’t perfect either…yes better, but perfect, no. Badass Auntie comes pretty damned close though and don’t you forget it.
So, I just want you to know, my adorable little nephew, that even though I’ll always think your sister is better than you are and that your mother is better than your dad, you probably will too. That’s so fucking cool. My Badass Auntie wisdom to you, in all of this is to embrace your dickness, enjoy it, revel in it, but use it for good. Be funny with it. Be sweet with it. Be a bit idiotic with it. Just don’t ever use it for bad things, because if there’s one thing that men can do better than women, it’s fuck up the world with dickness.
Much love from your Badass Auntie
Don’t think I’m going to let you off lightly young lady. In fact, remember that I hold you to a higher standard and have serious expectations of you to surpass your brother in every way (well, most ways), so now we’re going to get down to some of the uncomfortable parts of why we’re all a bit sexist.
I established the premise that women are better than men in my letter to your brother, but I sort of skipped over a few issues that are quite controversial but need to be said. There are certain things that men, without a doubt, are going to be better than women at for a very long time. It’s pretty fair to say that the fastest woman is unlikely to be able to outrun the fastest man or that the strongest women is unlikely to out lift the strongest man, so in those respects there is definitely gender inequality. That said, men can’t make milk come out of their boobs. (OK. I know there have been medical oddities but just run with my generalisations, will you?) Being able to produce food that can sustain another human life from your body is pretty much a super power.
The nitty gritty – women can make babies and give birth. Yes men contribute to that and I’m sure they believe their contribution is huge, but let’s get real. It’s just a fucking bit of spunk. The real process of creating human life happens in women right from menstruating monthly, which is no fucking joke, to carrying a gigantic human parasite inside their body for 9 months and then pushing it out the same hole that the sperm came through except it’s millions of times bigger and it really hurts. It hurts a lot. This is where the running faster and lifting heavier weights thing becomes truly null and void.
Now, we can accept that creating life and feeding life are two pretty extraordinary things, but they are also a fucking nuisance. Let’s get into some real life sexism and some of Badass Auntie’s solutions. I’m sorry, but I can totally understand why employers are wary of young women who are potentially going to have babies. We can sugar coat it all we want, but it screws with a business, especially a small business. More so in so-called civilised countries because women get proper maternity leave.
Here I am, Ms. Badass Auntie. Let’s say I run a business producing Bad Ass Auntie dolls (now there’s an idea!). I need to hire someone to manage the production. Now, this job requires a lot of training. So, I hire a young woman. I train her for 6 months and she starts managing production. One month into the job, she announces she’s pregnant. Yay!
We all celebrate. We have a baby shower for her. We oogle over her belly and share in her excitement. 7 months later, she’s off to have her baby. I have to find a temporary replacement because the law won’t let me replace her job. I also have to give her some maternity pay. She takes 6 months off, in which time, I just about get her temporary replacement trained and up and running. She comes back to work. Out goes temporary replacement, who actually was quite good, maybe better than her. Oh well. Never mind. She’s back now.
3 months later she announces that her and her partner decided that they want to have the children close together and so she’s pregnant again. Oh yay, bloody yay. So, we have another shower, oogle over her belly and 8 months later she’s off again. Time to find another temporary replacement and pay maternity leave a fucking gain. 6 months later she says she’s decided she’s not ready to return to work and resigns. Fucking great. So, we wonder why there is sexism about employing young women who might have children. Now in some countries, fathers also are given paternity leave and at least the issue is spread between both sexes making employers equally wary of employing any people of baby making age.
Personally, I’m not a fan of human reproduction. I mean I totally love you and your brother but do I think the world required your presence? No. There are too many fucking people already. But, as I live among others who do not feel as I do and who feel the need to make little mini replicas of themselves to carry on their genetic material (as if their genetic material is so fucking special), I am gracious enough to accept that we have to find a way to let people do what nature has created them to do. (Let me remind you little mini me makers, you are just behaving like every other fucking animal and simply reproducing because your hormones are telling you to. It’s truly not a fucking miracle. Rats do it and so do cockroaches.)
The truth is that even though we pretty much accept that women are better than men and also know that women are, quite literally, the givers of human life, somehow we’ve managed to let men oppress us, across most of the world, for as long as we’ve existed. What the fucking fuckity fuck? How has that happened? Seriously. C’mon, we’re now living in a generation where running faster and lifting more simply don’t mean that much anymore. We’re developing technology that makes that all meaningless, where paralympic competitors will be able to outrun and outlift everyone and that’s a bloody fabulous thing.
So, why the fucking fuckity fuck (sorry, to use that phrase twice but the emphasis feels important), in a world where pretty much every sane person believes that women should be paid the same amount for doing the same job as men, has that not happened? Why? Tell me! Seriously.
So, here’s my proposal. Since most of society disagrees with me about reproduction and feel it’s important, then why not assign some real importance to it. While I may not like the fact that people choose to make babies, I do believe that motherhood and fatherhood are some of the single most important jobs in the world. I mean, these people are molding and guiding the people who are going to be looking after me in my old age. I want them to create decent human beings. Preferably ones that are much better than my generation, so that they can think of a way to fix everything we completely screwed up on this planet.
So, why can’t civilised societies simply recognise that motherhood and fatherhood are important jobs. Let’s pay those people who want to have kids and bring them up properly. You want to be a mother? Most important fucking job in the world. Here, have a salary to do it. We’ll expect you to do a bloody good job as it’s one of the most important services to your community, but we’ll respect you for it, appreciate you for it and we’ll bloody well pay you for it. That way, you don’t have to take a job that you may not be committed to and you’ll leave that job available for someone who would prefer it to motherhood. Same goes for fatherhood. If you prefer that to another job, great. Go for it. I think raising the next generation is far more important than pretty much any other job.
Until society recognises the importance of parents and makes it possible for them to do their jobs properly, prepares them for it and has high expectations of them I don’t think much is going to change. Also important are those parents who do have something important to contribute to the world outside of parenthood. We need to make it possible for them to do both and to do both well. What kind of shitty world do we live in where we encourage people to make babies and then make it virtually impossible for them to care for those babies properly? Health care, child care, really fucking good education through university. What kind of arse backward society doesn’t think that investing heavily in the people who will be wiping their arses when they can’t do it themselves anymore isn’t a good thing?
Or just don’t fucking have babies. Adopt. Foster. The problem with that theory, of course, is what we’re seeing. Smart people aren’t having so many babies. Stupid people seem to be quite happy to fill that vacuum, having babies and then raising them dumb. I despair. I truly do.
Now, getting back to sexism. Let’s just bring this all together. My Badass Auntie wisdom to you is that women are better than men in so many ways. The one way that they are not better than men is in allowing themselves to be treated like shit for far too long. So, you, my little niece need to be prepared to fight the good fight. Own your superiority and use your superiority to make sure that your generation is the one that ensures real equality. You want to know what the sure sign is and will be that women are better than men – is that all we want is equality, when we actually deserve so much fucking more.
Much love from your Badass Auntie