There’s a good chance that you, like me, your parents and our parents, will have a soundtrack to your youth. This will be created and played by the musicians who are the stars of your era. Of course, every generation believes that their stars were the end of real rock n roll and that modern music is rubbish. Just recently, a number of great musicians from my youth have died. Just the fact that they got old really sucked. But when they die, that is like a giant fucking suckball thrown straight at one’s mortality reminding us that if the heroes of our youth, who seemed that they would live forever – I mean fucking hell, most of the musicians of my generation survived heavy smoking, heavy drinking, heavy fucking and some pretty serious hardcore drug taking – are not peter pans at all, but just another bag of chemicals that runs out of steam like the rest of us.
So, before this gets too depressing, I want to reflect on some of the great music of my time, possibly your father’s (he’s a generation behind me but does have some excellent taste in music) and even some from old by honouring them in a ritual that me and your Tia (the one I’ll tell you about one day) practice on a day to day basis as a kind of meditation. You see, we’ve discovered something truly miraculous. If you replace the lyrics of most good songs with the words ‘poo’ or ‘pee’ you can improve the quality and singability of that song immensely. Of course, you can also adjust the lyrics to suit the context and, if you’re feeling really creative, use more thoughtful words such as ‘fart’, ‘flatulence’, ‘excrement’ or ‘urination’ – though those take some practice and require you to really know your craft well.
Please allow me to share some of the work we’ve done in this area in the hope that it will inspire you to carry, what should be a family tradition, with you throughout your life. I highly recommend that should you ever feel overwhelmed, melancholy or your money has run low and you can’t afford any wine, fall back on this gift, that I am passing to you and you will find peace, harmony and laughter in your soul.
Let’s start with a classic, from Whitney Houston. I suspect you will even hear this as it is very popular with some people. It was never popular in our household until we learned how to elevate it sufficiently. Now we love it and honour it regularly. The song’s title is ‘I Will Always Love You’, but we recommend an upgrade to (make sure to sing this loudly and with sincere passion) to ‘I Will Always Love Poo’.
The next song was originally written in the 70’s and did pretty well, but it wasn’t until the famous movie director of our time, Quentin Tarantino, used it in his movie, Reservoir Dogs, that it really gained popularity. The original, and what we think is the best version of this song was by a band called Stealers Wheel. But it was a pop star called Louise, who did a dance version, who inspired us to change the words from ‘Stuck in the Middle With You’, which, originally, go “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you” “to our far more memorable version “Floaters to the left of me, sinkers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of poo”. Though, unrewarded, we probably have written some of the best lyrics in history with that one. Of course, we thank Stealers Wheel for the oil that lubed our cylinders.
There’s a very famous band called U2 that your Tia and I hate almost as much as we hate another band called Coldplay, but we do have to thank them for providing us with the title of their track ‘With or Without You’, which, when sung as ‘With or Without Poo’, makes us deliriously happy. Unfortunately, as Coldplay are, quite literally shit – it would seem disingenuous to uplift one of their songs with our creative powers.
There is a great singer by the name of Sinead O’Connor, who recorded a song written by one of the best musical geniuses of our era, known as Prince. No last name. It’s an odd thing that was very popular in our youth to not have a last name. In fact, he even went one step further by changing his name to a weird symbol. See below:
After a while, unsurprisingly, he went back to using Prince, which was at least pronounceable. Sinead, who had a last name, but no hair, recorded a beautiful version of the song, truly gorgeous. You’d think it couldn’t get any better. It was called ‘Nothing Compares 2U’. My sincere apologies for the ‘2U’, but that was another odd trend that I really hope will be gone when you grow up, where people think they are being clever by not writing actual words…anyhow, it did get better. We are proud to present you with the title ‘Nothing Compares to Poo’ and please notice that we spelled the word ‘poo’ and didn’t replace it with some weird symbol like this (which apparently is a Chinese symbol for ‘buttock poop’ according to the internet – edit – the internet is apparently wrong but as I have not been given any alternative symbols for ‘buttock’ ‘poop’, these will have to do, which rhymes with poo. Yay!):
There are variations of the theme that come to us in flashes of brilliance. For example, the late great Roberta Flack had a hit called ‘Killing Me Softly with His Song’, which just begged for our attention and can now be proudly sung as ‘Killing me Softly with His Dong’. OK, I realise that’s not about poop or pee, but the word ‘dong’ is woefully neglected in this day and age, so we felt obliged to revitalise its reputation. That said, we do have an alternative version for those who are purists, and that is ‘Killing Pee Softly with His Poo’.
I’m going to get a bit crazy here because there is one killer song, that Tia and I enjoy singing frequently, but it’s an old, old classic from even before our ancient times. It comes from 1925 and was a song from, you’ll never believe it, musical theatre. I should note here that your Tia hates musical theatre, but when a old treasure like this requires some polishing and dusting, we were right there to do it. The song was sung by many famous and not so famous people. Our favourite version was not, though, sung by people. It was sung by chipmunks. Yes, you heard me correctly. Chipmunks. Alvin and the Chipmunks made many memorable recordings during their career doing cover versions, but they would have been so much more successful if they had only realised the potential that ‘Tea for Two’, which had lyrics that went “Just tea for two, and two for tea, just me for you, and you for me” but could have gone “Just pee for poo, and poo for pee, just pee for poo, and poo for pee’. You have no idea how much pleasure we get dancing around the house together singing that ditty.
I think you’re getting the gist of our very specialised techniques and hope that you and and your parents will work on developing these talents in you and taking it to the next level. I’m just going to leave you with a few more:
‘I Want to Cock With Poo’ – (I Want to Rock With You) Michael Jackson
and of course ‘Cock Lobster’ – (Rock Lobster) B52’s
‘Blue Poon’ – (Blue Moon) The Marcels – note that ‘poon’ is short for ‘punani’
‘Vagina Girl’ – (China Girl) Lest we forget to honour or most recently dear and departed David Bowie
So, today I leave you with my Badass Auntie wisdom. If you ever need a little lift, just replace any word you can with ‘pee’ or ‘poo’ and you will find your happy place again.
Much love from your Badass Auntie
Today’s advice from your Badass Auntie is ‘read the letter I wrote to your brother’.
Much love from your Badass Auntie