Before I get started I just want to express my disappointment at the fact that no one was able to guess who the celebrity in the photo featuring in my last letters to you two was. Oh well. Let’s move on. Yesterday was a big celebration for people in the USA. I have no idea if your parents celebrated it with you. I’m guessing they probably did. I’ve never understood the celebration of this particular holiday, when everyone consumes as much food as humanly possible, which is perversely followed by a day when the whole country tries to buy as much shit as humanly possible.
While the basis of the holiday, celebrating stealing the land of other people, is hardly something I consider worthwhile or helpful, the concept of ‘thanks giving’ is a pretty good one, for the most part. I’d certainly say that the philosophy should be most heartily felt when you’re a white American boy, whose sheer luck in terms of the three g’s (gender, genes and geography) is extraordinary really. You’ve, quite literally, won the human lottery.
But no matter how lucky you are in this world, whether you’re a soft white boy from the suburbs, a street wise brown boy from the streets of Delhi or a child slave making clothes for soft white boys in a Chinese factory, you’re going have days when it feels like everything sucks donkey balls. I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday about her son, suffering through adolescent bullying in school and I shared a bit of my Badass Auntie wisdom with her (I was sure you and your sister wouldn’t mind sharing me under the circumstances). I said, ‘Being an adolescent sucks…the only thing that makes it suck less is to make it suck more for someone else.’ This is the mantra of the bully. Bullies always have sucky lives and this is the key to knowing how to be grateful when everything sucks donkey balls.
We moved around a lot when I was a child. I think I worked out that I was in seven different schools by the age of eleven. School hopping like this can be soul destroying for some children. In others, it can result in incredible fortitude and most excellent survival skills. For me, it was a bit of all of those things and being both smart and a smart ass didn’t always help. During those trying times, I developed a skill that was incredibly intuitive when I reflect upon it, but probably the result of circumstances more than anything else.
When life sucked, I simply made friends with kids whose life sucked even more. This tactic had so many benefits. First, I always was able to feel a little bit superior and a little bit generous, as if I was doing them a favour by being their friend. I know that makes me sound quite horrid, but I’m not pretending this was done out of altruism. Second, I learned about the really scuzzy side of life probably far earlier than was healthy, but it certainly prepared me for the real world. My friends, whose lives sucked more than mine, usually had, at best, very neglectful families that allowed them to do anything they wanted – which meant much experimentation with drugs and alcohol and at worse, creepy families who should have done a better job of keeping their skeletons safely locked in their cupboards.
Don’t get me wrong, things weren’t always a bed of roses for me, but I could always be the sensible, smart, better dressed and often better looking friend. I could almost pretend I was popular, and if I weren’t popular, I could still use the inappropriate things I learned to seduce the popular girls’ boyfriends. Of course things come full circle and I have no doubt that I have friends who stand by me in photos to make themselves look slimmer and younger, but fortunately I don’t give a shit and that’s another important thing to remember.
The things that you think were important when you were young; the things that made you think your life sucked so much – they completely lose their importance. The number of flying fucks you give about what anyone thinks of you should, if you are a normal human being, decrease considerably. That way you can actually focus on things that do make your life really sucky such as bad health, financial woes and death.
So, today’s wisdom from your Badass Auntie is this – If you think everything sucks donkey balls, remember that most of the world is much worse off than you are. Go walk five miles with a fucking bucket on your head to collect dirty river water for you and your family to drink and bathe in and then come whine to me. If that doesn’t work, find an uglier, dumber, poorer, fatter friend with less fashion sense. That will sort you out.
Much love from your Badass Auntie
Another holiday has passed and another one that you’re too young to care about. As long as there’s a tit available on demand you’re happy. It’s a shame you won’t remember this blissful happiness because one day, probably when adolescence kicks in, life will inevitably start sucking. I tell you this, not to be mean or negative, but to help you prepare.
When you get to a certain age, evolution, hormones and society conspire to make you care, more than is healthy or rational, what other people think of you. Now, this would make more sense if your focus were on things that were truly important like what your teachers think of you, what your parents think of you and, even more importantly, what you think of you – but it’s very unlikely to be like that. Based on my memories of things that made adolescence suck, here’s a list to help you prepare. My boobs were too small, my legs were ugly, I was fat, my hair never looked right, my feet were too big. Fast forward a year or so. My boobs were too big, my arse was too flat, I was fat and my feet were too big. To top this all off, I didn’t have the clothes that the girls I believed were most popular had, the boys I fancied were (in my mind) too popular to like me, school was boring, my parents didn’t understand and I couldn’t wait to be older.
I realise that things have changed a great deal since I was an adolescent, but I’d bet good money that you’ll experience one, if not many of those things. So allow me to provide you with a strategic plan on tackling each one.
Boobs too small – Boobs are generally a fucking pain in the arse and the shoulders and the neck and the back. Not to mention that they attract the wrong sort of attention. Oh yes, people will stare and boys, particularly (and some girls) will want to touch them, rub against them, kiss them, suck them and possibly rub their penises on them. Therefore having big boobs is really for their benefit and not yours. When you’re young, if it bothers you, stuff your bra. No one should be getting into your bra to find out that there is stuffing there, when you’re young. You don’t even need to use toilet paper like I did as there are now fancy gel and silicone things to stuff your bra with. I’m afraid your tit size will be a genetic lottery in our family. On your Mimi’s side, they weren’t so generously endowed. Although I’ve done no serious survey, I reckon that they all had better tits because of it. Perkier and prettier.
On the other side of your Dad’s family, big tits tend to run amok. I got them. Even though I exploited them to their fullest in a most cynical way, I would have loved to have had smaller ones. So, if you don’t get huge tits, be grateful. If you can’t be grateful, get surgery. It’s easy these days. Don’t fucking fret about them though. Tits are really fucking unimportant unless your a porn star or you’re breast feeding.
Ugly legs – I doubt you’ll have ugly legs. Very few people do. I was given a complex by a stupid fucking physical exam at school where they said I had knocked knees. From that day on I covered my knees whenever possible. I had fucking gorgeous legs. Luckily I realised that later. Your legs will be gorgeous. Don’t fucking worry about them unless they stop working.
Fat – You probably will think you’re fat. Most girls do at some point. There are multitudes of reasons why you will feel that way. No matter what size you are, you will be gorgeous. Want to know why? Because our family has gorgeous genes. Like your brother got hit with the genetic lottery for being a white American boy, you did even better. You are one of our family and the women in our family are hot. Get over it. We are. Whether we’re fat or slim, we’re still hot. The truth is that you probably won’t be fat but will absolutely believe you are. This is normal but stupid. You come from a family that is not normal and not stupid. Don’t let us down.
Hair – I’m so glad I finally worked out that no matter what I did to my hair, it would always grow out quickly. The other thing is that you probably got a good head shape, which means that even if you shave off your hair you’ll look good. So remember that even if you are a bald fucking fatty, you’ll still be hot. There is nothing you can do to your hair that can’t be fixed. Hair is a fantastic accessory. Enjoy it. If you don’t get sent home from school at least once for an inappropriate hairstyle, I will be deeply disappointed in you.
Big feet – OK. I’m going to be honest with this one. There’s not a fuck of a lot you can do about big feet. You just have to learn to love them. Buying shoes is a bloody nightmare. The only compensation is that if you do get big tits, you won’t fall over very easily. Oh and you can kick people really hard. I’ve just had to learn to embrace my big feet and lovingly keep them well decorated so at least they are pleasing to the eye. Oddly, very few people will notice your big feet (if you have them), but you will. Just hope that if you have big feet, you grow relatively tall as being short with big feet probably does suck donkey balls just a bit. I’ll take you shoe shopping with me. We can cry together.
Well here we are at the bit where I give you some down home Badass Auntie wisdom. When you inevitably feel that your life is truly sucky and you’re comparing yourself to other girls who might be boobier, hair swishier, legs coltisher, and body skinnier – just remember, they think their life is sucky too. If you have a difficult time with this, phone me and I’ll tell you what a life that sucks like donkey balls really is. You’ll be grateful. You’ll probably still have big feet though.
Much love from your Badass Auntie