I’ve been away for a week or so. I know you didn’t miss me. You’re two fucking years old. You can’t even read and you can barely repeat my name when I do family video calls with you. One day though, you may very well appreciate these letters I’ve written to you and your baby sister. Then again, you may just say ‘Who the fuck does that…writes embarrassing shit to children that can’t even read, littered with expletives, sexual and drug references and publishes it for the world to see?’
I was on holiday with your Tia, who I keep promising to tell you about but never do. We had a ‘staycation’. That is a modern word for having a holiday locally. I’m very fortunate that ‘local’, to me, is a tourist destination for everyone else. The good part is that we don’t have to be rich to take our friends with us, because they are all here already. So, in case you’re wondering, we had a fookin’ fabulous holiday with our friends and adopted family.
Ah…do remember that. We adopt family members. These are family members we choose. We didn’t choose you. So, make sure that you stick with the programme as we’ve set the bar pretty high. Otherwise, once the cute kid factor wears off, those Amazon packages on special occasions will start to tail off and we’ll spend the money on bottles of wine to share with our adopted family. If all else fails, promise to look after us in our old age and we might reconsider.
Upon arrival home, I had time to ponder some of the friends, acquaintances and new people we encountered during our travels and how many jaw dropping moments I had with them. As was pointed out during a gathering, I am a curator of the unusual. I collect odd, interesting and unique people. Sometimes I encourage them to meet so that they can observe and learn from one another, but more often than not, I compartmentalise my friends so that they can feel free to do and say the things that make me go ‘who the fuck does that?’. If they can provide those moments, then they are truly people that I love having in my life.
This wasn’t the planned subject of today’s letter but when I got up this morning, a friend had shared an article about a woman who is making sourdough bread using yeast made from an infection in her vagina. My first response was ‘who the fuck does that?’ My second response was ‘I have to track down this woman because she’s someone I should know’. Lo and behold, I found her on Twitter and am now an avid follower, potential stalker with the intention that we may become friends. You may think that’s over ambitious and I would understand you believing that but the world is a funny place.
For example, last year there was this brilliant TV show called ‘Buy Naked’. Now most people will have never heard of it and, of those who have, there are probably only a small number (those who would be perfect candidates to join my merry band) who thought it was brilliant. For those who know the show House Hunters, it was exactly like that except everyone was naked. It was on a channel called The Learning Channel (TLC), which is the most hilarious name because the things they think that people want to learn are rather bizarre, but perfect for me. Here is a list of some of the shows that have been on TLC:
- A bunch of little people shows (not little as in children) including – Little People Big World, Our little Family, The Little Couple, Little Parents Big Pregnancy
- They balanced this with My Giant Life – A show about very tall people.
- Some shows about fat people including – My Big Fat Fabulous Live (I actually love this show!), My 600lb Life, Big Sexy, I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day, One Big Happy Family
- Then too many wedding shows to even mention
- They then tried combining wedding concepts with other ideas – Curvy Brides, for example, about fat women getting married, My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, which is surprisingly not about fat women, Little People Big World: Wedding Farm, which is cleverly about little people setting up a wedding business
- Then there are the families with either tons of children, tons of wives and/or both – Table For 12, a family with two sets of twins and sextuplets, Sextuplets Take New York, Quints By Surprise, My Five Wives, they also had 25 children, Kids By the Dozen, 19 Kids and Counting, Kate Plus 8 (there was a husband but he was a twat and it’s just Kate now), The Willis Family, 14 of them and they play music, Sister Wives, one annoying man and several wives and children.
Personally, I think the channel should be called the ‘Who the Fuck Does That in Public Channel’, but WTFDTIPC doesn’t have the same feel as TLC. TLC became most famous for a show they produced called ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’, which was a travesty of a show that ended in the locomoted trailer crash that everyone knew was inevitable. I am glad the channel exists because I’ve learned that if I ever find myself morbidly obese, in a romantic relationship with a little or large person, with too many children or sexual partners and I need a bit of cash – I can have my own reality TV programme to make ends meet.
Let’s get back to ‘Buy Naked’. The host of the show was this very blonde, well preserved Florida realtor. While we were having the most enormous home cooked dinner with some friends we were visiting while on our staycation, they invited their adopted niece (see we’re not the only ones who adopt people into our family) to meet us. She was a hoot and very entertaining indeed. But even better than that, she was personal friends with the presenter of ‘Buy Naked’. She also happened to have 8 children herself and could probably be a great TLC reality TV show star as 6 of them are adopted. Another case of ‘Who the Fuck Does That?’ So, who knows what’s possible in this funny old world. That said, being a presenter on a TLC pilot series that never made it is hardly A list, but doing it naked (and the nudity was done with so much creativity with fruit) gives so many more points.
Just so you know, between your Badass Auntie and your Tia, we have met and worked with a lot of quite famous people. So we also know a lot of ‘Who the fuck does that?’ stuff about celebrities that they would probably hope is never made public. They may not remember some of those things because of their state of inebriation. Some probably wish no one remembered those things. One of them is in prison for kiddie fiddling. That’s one example of a ‘Who the Fuck Does That?’ that you don’t want anywhere near you, but often it comes as a total surprise. Trust your gut about creeps.
Shit, let’s lighten this up. Here’s a cute ‘Who the fuck does that?’ photo of someone famous. We’re curious whether any of the Badass Auntie readership will be able to identify said famous person. The only hint is that he is a friend of Dorothy from pop music best known in the noughties. This should be fun!
Today’s wisdom from your Badass Auntie is this. If your friends do not regularly provide you with ‘Who the fuck does that?’ moments, providing you with plenty of time to judge them and then berate yourself for judging them – you’re going to have a very fucking boring life. While I’m at it, if you don’t do things that make others think ‘Who the fuck does that?’, the birthday presents will most definitely tail off when you’re of legal age to do those things.
Much love from your Badass Auntie
I’ve just written to your brother about our little holiday. I thought I’d elaborate more fully on the woman making the sourdough bread with her own yeast and how this applies to you. You’re definitely special. You have the blood of a long line of eccentrics flowing in your veins and you certainly favour the more eccentric side of the family in your looks. This means that I have very high expectations in respect to the ‘who the fuck does that?’ potential you carry. Your brother – well, that’s easy. He’s a boy. I ask that question about boys all the time and you will too. I hope as you get older you will record those incidents and send them to me.
You, on the other hand, will be required to take things to the next level. I think the sourdough bread experiment should become an inspiration to you. One day, you will probably have to do a science experiment. Things have changed since I was a student. Back then, girls were not expected to have much of an interest in science. I did enter a science fair once and I think I did pretty well. I managed to get hold of an old still and do my project on making alcohol illegally.
So, I’d suggest focusing all science projects on alcohol, drugs, sex or embarrassing behaviour observed in teachers or students you particularly don’t like. You might also like to test evacuation speeds by releasing cockroaches into various rooms such as the cafeteria, the teacher’s lounge and the PE changing rooms. Some other ideas I have for you is reactions from male teachers when you ask for a tampon – you could enhance response times by holding out your hand with catsup in it, reactions from female teachers when you ask them for spare batteries and then produce your vibrator from your rucksack (the one your Badass Auntie got for you of course).
I wouldn’t advise doing science projects on your parents as it’s important to keep them sweet for a long time, at least not on your Mom. On the other hand, there is no harm in catching your Mom when her guard is down, she’s had a few glasses of wine and conspiring with her to conduct an experiment on your Dad and brother. Maybe you could serve them bread and measure their response when you tell them you made it as a science project using your own vaginal yeast. Oh I can’t wait!
Today your Badass Auntie advises you to always remember that anything you do that is highly questionable and falls under the category of ‘Who the fuck does that?’ can be justified by claiming it was done in the name of science. Have fun!
Much love from your Badass Auntie