Sarcasm & Dickness

Dear KK,

You may only be two, but you are observant. You will have noticed that both your French Mimi and your Badass Auntie have a penchant for grape juice…wine. French Mimi has a true cultural claim on her right to drink wine at all times and I feel that through blood inheritance, it is my duty to carry on the fine tradition. Having had a somewhat unhealthy wine habit that no one would tell me was wrong, I finally decided to limit myself to wine on weekends.

As today is Friday, I headed to the cheap wine shop to buy a couple of bottles. I have recently converted to drinking white wine instead of red and am still getting familiar with the varieties available. A young woman approached me and said ‘Can I help you?’ I wasn’t hopeful, but still responded politely and said ‘I’m looking for your drier white wines.’ She ignored me and walked away, which is fine as I’m fairly tolerant these days to bad customer service. So, I selected a couple of Chardonnays of brands that I recognised as relatively good and made my way to the counter. There weren’t many options there.

The girl looks at me and says ‘Did you find what you were looking for?’ I said, ‘I have no idea. I thought I’d give these a try as I didn’t know much about the dry white wines you have here.’  This is where I probably should have shut up, but I continued – ‘You know,’ I said, ‘the staff here really should know a bit about the product it sells.’  She looked me right in the eye and said with confidence ‘Oh, I know many of the wines here.’

I will say right here and now (and will probably blog about it one day in the future) but I am totally judgmental.  I took one look at her and thought that if she possibly had ever tasted wine, it was sweet, cheap and she found it after a party. So, I look straight back at her and say, ‘but clearly you haven’t had any of the dry white wines’. Without missing a beat, she responds by saying ‘we don’t carry that wine here.’ I do a bad job of stifling a loud guffaw by coughing and choking and say ‘Both of the bottles in front of you are dry white wines.’ I’m afraid, that her reply was completely unremarkable and predictable. It was ‘Oh, well I’m just a cashier.’

Well, young sir KK, the sad fact that you will discover about human beings is that there are a lot of really stupid ones. Some of them even have academic qualifications – you’ve got one of those running for the President of the USA right now. You’ve also got some other rather stupid people running for President. I hope that by the time you grow up, the bar will be much higher, otherwise you’re going to be even more annoyed than I am with stupid people. To be honest, I don’t mind stupid people existing. They are a necessary part of our eco system. What I do mind is when they think they are being smart, clever or funny because it’s guaranteed that they aren’t.

Now, what is funny is when smart people pretend to be stupid. That’s always endlessly entertaining and provides the opportunity for something called ‘sarcasm’, an artform that I shall be passing on to you like French Mimi passed the appreciation of wine on to me. An example of something someone stupid would do or say is that when presented with a finely tuned piece of sarcasm, usually they won’t get it at first – and that’s one of the funniest parts.

But then it gets funnier, because once you (or someone else) points out that it was sarcasm, they’ll more often than not try to appear smart by saying ‘Well according to Oscar Wilde ( I can guarantee they will not actually have any idea who Oscar Wilde is and if they did, they would not be quoting him), sarcasm is the lowest form of wit’. They will think they are incredibly clever for saying something like that. But, not only was Oscar Wilde a master of sarcasm and wit, they have also committed the sin of quoting him out of context. What he actually said is ‘Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence’.

Sarcasm is best reserved for those who are below condescension. I must admit that I am often accused of being condescending and, when challenged in such a manner, I normally reply that I am condescending when I feel that someone is worthy of condescension. I also point out that if someone feels that I’ve been condescending towards them, they are probably correct. I try very hard to only condescend to adults as it’s rather wasted on children.

Sarcasm, on the other hand, is fantastic to use with children. They appreciate and enjoy it much more than stupid adults. Among smart adults there is a divide between those who think that sarcasm is rude (well fuck them and the horse they rode in on, they can go and remove the broomstick from their arses immediately) and those who are amused and feel that because they understand it, they are sort of a fellow conspirator in a special sarcasm secret society.

I would like to now give you examples of sarcasm and some useful examples you might like to try.

Sarcasm to a child – Child ‘Would you like to taste my lollipop?’ Me ‘Of course I’d love to stick a ball of coloured sugar covered in your spit and not in my mouth.’

Sarcasm to a child – Child ‘I’m tired’ Me ‘Given that you were up at 5 fucking am screaming, I couldn’t be more surprised’.

Sarcasm from one adult to another – Adult one ‘You haven’t noticed my new haircut.’ Adult two ‘I noticed it.’

Sarcasm from one adult to another – Adult one ‘Don’t worry, my dog just wants to be friends with your dog.’ Adult two ‘Oh sure, my dog is so fucking lonely?’

Now these are for you.

Sarcasm from a child to an adult – Adult  ‘Are you hungry? Look how delicious these are. Mmmm’ Child ‘Oh joy, more mashed vegetables poorly disguised as something edible. That always gets my appetite going. ‘

Sarcasm from a child to an adult –  Adult ‘Are you tired honey?’ Child ‘Sure, being fed up and screaming couldn’t possibly mean I’m completely bored off my tits. I must be tired.’

So, there you have it. You are now equipped to be a complete smart arse to your parents. You are very welcome (another form of sarcasm to use when people are ungrateful and forget to thank you).

Today’s wisdom from your Badass Auntie is to never waste sarcasm on someone stupid if there isn’t an appreciative audience. It truly is a waste. You may have to explain it and having to explain sarcasm to a stupid person is quite simply soul destroying.

Much love from your Badass Auntie

Dear CK,

Today I spent some time teaching KK about sarcasm. As a girl, sarcasm is likely to come much more naturally to you because so many boys are stupid that it is a simple line of defense when confronted with what your French Mimi calls ‘dickness’. ‘Dickness’ is a perfect word to describe the behaviour of boys and men when they seem to have lost the ability to use their brain.

Some may say I’m sexist. I would agree. Women and girls have been subjected to sexism based on dickness throughout history. Now that women are aware of dickness and the associated behaviours to expect, the tide is turning. For example, a typical boy thing to say because of dickness would be ‘Look at your fat arse’. Now, what he really means is ‘I can’t stop looking at your arse’, but because of dickness he feels the need to say something derogatory so that he feels back in control, which he clearly isn’t and probably will never be because he already has an obsession with looking at the arses of girls.

Your natural response, I expect, because you’ve been born with the gift of sarcasm, would be ‘I don’t need to look at my fat arse because you are so busy looking at it I can get a full report on it from minute to minute.’ You will also reply like this because your self esteem will be so shockingly high due to having a Badass Auntie in your life that you will make sure to swing your fat arse even more mightily in future lest anyone forgets the power of your arse.

As a girl, you are blessed to be born without dickness. You may, of course, have to deal with menstruation. Do not let anyone tell you that it makes you irrational. What it does is make you honest. Hormonally and behaviourally, you’ll be closer to being a man during that time, so things that a man would do that would be called ‘shooting from the hip’, ‘being candid and up front’, ‘dynamism’ and ‘potent’ will be labeled, when you do the same thing as a woman, as ‘hormonal’, ‘unhinged’, ‘crazy’ and ‘bitchy’. If you inherited any of your personality from your Badass Auntie, you’ll be considered those things year round – so it won’t be much of an issue.

Dickness at its finest

Dickness at its finest

If you are going to have healthy relationships with men as friends, lovers, partners or professional colleagues, then you will have to learn to understand and work around dickness. They can’t help it. Where they accuse women of being ‘hormonal’ once a month, they are pretty much hormonal 24/7. Dickness gives you the advantage and nowadays women know it. This is why your generation will be the generation that truly shows that women are not only equal to, but absolutely superior to men in most ways – except perhaps brutal strength (but who needs brutal strength when all you have to do is wiggle your tits at a guy with dickness and he’ll do it for you).

Sexist? Much! Unhinged, crazy, bitchy, shoots from the hip, candid and up front, dynamic and more fucking potent than a 10 mile ejaculation? Oh yes!

Badass Auntie passes this bit of wisdom on to you today. As the very wise singer and philosopher, Kelis, once said ‘My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.’ As long as you’re alive, your milkshake will have that power and once they are in there, they are yours to command…unless they are gay, in which case they will be your best friends and tell you when your arse really is getting fat.

Much love from your Badass Auntie





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