In case you hadn’t noticed, you were born with a penis. I haven’t seen it, and would prefer that remains the case. It’s not that I have a problem with nudity – not at all. I like a bit of nudity and have even indulged in one or two nude photos myself. The problem is that if I am seeing your penis now, it means that I am having to participate in your toileting habits. I do love you and all that, but as an official Badass Auntie, I’m afraid nappy changing and house training are not on my ‘to do’ list. That does not mean I do not feel that I have a right to comment on these matters though. In a previous blog, I mentioned that I believe boys should be taught to pee sitting down and I’m just mentioning it again, lest your Mom forget my point of view. Staying on topic, I will also go on record now, just in case you become one of those men who tries to regrow his foreskin – I tried to stop them! I was your penis protector from birth.
As you get older, I would prefer you keep your penis out of my sight unless there is a need to show me, like I’m the only adult around and you have a thorn stuck in it – or, worse case scenario, in the process of exploring your sexuality you have stuck something up there and can’t get it out and are too embarrassed to tell your parents. In that case, do come to me. I’d still prefer not to see it, but I will happily get you to some discreet medical care.
This is where I wanted to go with this. You have a penis and it’s not just for pissing. As you get older, you’ll get surprising sensations down there and at some point decide it’s sort of fun to play with. That’s absolutely fine. It’s your penis and, I’m sure that it’s probably a perfectly good one. I’ve heard no dark family secrets about you having a wonky prick. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you touching it, playing with it, sticking it in play dough (throw the play dough out afterwards though) or waggling it at yourself in the mirror. It’s yours and it will be your happy companion throughout your life.
For the time being, you require close relatives to help you with your bodily functions and from time to time a doctor may have a poke around down there too. As you get older, you will be able to handle (quite literally) those things yourself. Once you do not need someone else to wash you or help you go to the toilet, that dick is all yours. Unless that dick needs medical assistance, no one else should be touching it for a very long time. You can touch it all you want. It’s advisable to do that in private and you certainly shouldn’t be showing it to anyone else.
Touching your penis will become increasingly fun and more of an obsession the closer you get to puberty. Don’t be surprised if I buy you a bottle of good quality lube and a years supply of tissues for your 12th birthday. Adolescence will be rough in terms of your desire to stick your penis into things. If you must, here are some rules.
- Do not stick your dick into the hoover (vacuum cleaner). This is how trips to the hospital happen.
- Do not stick your dick into hot food. You may feel the urge to warm it up in the microwave, but make sure it’s cooled sufficiently before ravishing it.
- Do not stick your dick into any hole if you’re not sure what’s on the other side.
- Do not even think of letting the dogs lick it. That’s just gross and is a kind of animal abuse.
- Do not stick it in any other person. You may be tempted, but until you are ready to talk about sex with your parents openly and are not embarrassed about it, you’re not mentally mature enough to be doing it. Don’t get me wrong. Fucking is fun, but it can really mess up your life if you aren’t ready for it. Your hand will serve you well until that time.
Finally, and most importantly. Your penis is yours and yours only. Until you are ready (see above) to be sharing it with another person, do not let anyone touch it or mess with it unless they are your doctor. I mean if there is an emergency, like the previously mentioned thorn or you get it caught in your fly, or you have a tick on it (gross but it happens), then your parents or other close relatives might have to assist at your request. But you need to know that any other adult, or even a kid that is older than you, who tries to touch your pee pee – no matter what they say to try to convince you that it’s OK or it will feel good – is someone you need to protect it from. If ever anyone does try to talk you into letting them touch, look at or mess with your pee pee, you need to tell your Mom & Dad. If you’re worried, you can tell me.
Oh and don’t take pictures of it and send them to people. Just. Don’t.
In case, the above doesn’t sink in. Here’s one more bit of info I will give you as a last resort. I don’t mean to scare you, but there are pee pee snatchers out there and they will trick you into letting them see it, they’ll steal it and run away with it, torture it and make it work in the testicle mines in the Antarctic. Alternatively they might sell it as a condiment. Top secret stuff, but it’s better safe than sorry.
Your Badass Auntie’s final word of wisdom on this topic is – don’t trust grown ups, especially grown ups who want to touch your pee pee. Keep it in your pants unless you’re alone and don’t try to stick anything up inside it, no matter how much you might get the urge just to see how it feels. It probably will hurt. A lot. I really don’t want to have to take you to the emergency room and risk you ending up as a story on the TLC channel.
Much love from your Badass Auntie
You have a vagina. You won’t know that yet. You’re too tiny and obsessed with eating and pooping. As you get older you will discover it though. Because vaginas are hidden away and not all hanging out like penises, they can prove to be a bit of a mystery and don’t you know that the society you live in seems to have done everything it can to keep it that way. So today Badass Auntie is going to prep you for things you should know about your vagina.
Your vagina is very important and can influence your life in a serious way. It’s not like a penis, which just gives boys a constant urge to play with it or stick it in things, often vaginas. Vaginas are much more powerful than that, which is probably why men seem equally terrified and fascinated by them. Unless they are gay men, in which case the terror is probably accurate, but other than that, they just feel a bit nauseous.
Let’s list the things your powerful vagina can do:
- It seems like you are peeing from it, but that’s a different hole. As per the advice given to your brother – do not stick things in this hole. The other hole is the important one. I wouldn’t advise sticking things in that one either until you’re old enough to be very, very familiar with how everything works down there.
- It can bleed for a week or longer every month. This sounds scary. It’s just annoying. Though many men around the world are terrified of that fact and there are even religions that will not allow you to cook food for men when it’s bleeding. That will happen when you reach something called ‘puberty’, which is also annoying. I tell you tons more about puberty before you get there. You’ll be well prepared.
- It can make you feel really good if you play with it. You’ll discover this soon enough. Never let anyone think that learning about playing with your pee pee is bad. It’s not. It’s your pee pee. The more you know about it and how it works, the better. Just like advice to your brother, it’s best to play with it in private. When you’re old enough (Please don’t ask me how I’ll know because I have no fucking idea yet. I might have to consult other Badass Aunties about that one.), do not be surprised if I give you a vibrator and some lube for your birthday.
- Boys that fancy girls will do just about anything to get you to show it to them, let them touch it and put their penis in it. Boys that don’t fancy girls will prefer that you keep it away from them and preferably never speak about it. There may also be some girls who might want to see, touch or otherwise involve themselves with your vagina. Do not let people have access to your vagina until you can say the word vagina in public without blushing and can ask your mother for a condom without getting embarrassed.
- Once you do let things into your vagina, you may be amazed at it’s tremendous capacity. A baby can come out of that thing. That is something to always remember if you let boys into your vagina. No matter what precautions you take. No matter how safe and responsible you think you are being, sperm is tenacious and you can end up with a situation where a baby might be wanting to come out of your vagina. Never ever forget that. I’d suggest that we watch several videos of childbirth together when you are 12 to imprint this on your brain. I’ll bring popcorn.
- Adult men (and possibly women) will try to get access to your vagina before you are an adult. Because we live in a deeply sick and twisted world (welcome to the planet little one), young vaginas are particularly desirable. If ever adults try to touch or get into your vagina and they are not your doctor, scream your fucking head off, shout ‘pervert’ at the top of your lungs and tell your parents immediately, or if that isn’t going to work for you – tell me. I warn you now. Telling me might result in your parents having to find bail money for me, but don’t let that hold you back.
- Your vagina is so important and valuable that governments and religions all over the world try to control it and tell you what you can and cannot do with it. It’s your pee pee. What you do with it is none of their fucking business. If you ever have to do something with your vagina that you have any concern about and you don’t feel you can tell your parents, you can always tell me. Just don’t send me photos and please don’t send anyone else photos. When you’re an adult, if you really need to make money, people will pay for photos of your vagina. Given that half the population has a vagina and that all of us came into this world via vagina, this is simply another symptom of the power of the pussy. Use it wisely.
Today’s wisdom from your Badass Auntie is to remember that if you ever need something from your parents and they are not giving in, wait until you’re in a public place and then say really loudly ‘The world shall one day feel the power of my vagina’. Just keep repeating it until you get what you want. That will probably work through until you’re an adult too. It won’t work on me though. I’ll just shout with you. That’s the way Badass Aunties roll.
Much love from your Badass Auntie