Your Dick Won’t Touch the Water

Dear KK,

You’ve got cute hair. You’ve got a shitty haircut. Lots of kids your age have shitty haircuts because their Mother cuts their hair. There are only a small number of reasons for this that are in any way legitimate.

1. Mother is a decent hairdresser and can cut a straight line. In your case, this isn’t so. In most cases, this isn’t so.

2. Mother thinks you’re too young and therefore your need for self expression through hair is not necessary. Probably true, but children are a representation of their parents and while you are two years old, you have absolutely no say in what they do to your hair. This should be exploited. They should be dying your hair the colour of their favourite ‘football’ team (Oh, how it pains me to say ‘football’ but you are American, so I can’t get away with saying ‘hand egg’, which is really what it is because football is played in the rest of the world with a ball shaped object and feet..but I digress.), spiking it up, shaving designs into it and pretty much anything else that comes to mind. For fucks sake, it was just Halloween and they let you be a fire fighter. You could have worn a man bun and been a hipster or something, but no, they had to let you be a mini version of possibly the only real superheros that exist. I suppose I’ll let it slide. I like fire fighters.

3. Mother is a lazy arse cow who can’t be bothered to take you to the hair dressers. Definitely not the case in this instance. Your Mother is most definitely not lazy. In fact, she has quite astounding energy and endurance. When I was last there she was quite literally as big as a pony, pregnant with your sister, and still working and carrying you everywhere like a badass. I mean, three people. She was carrying three people. I almost asked her to carry me when I got blisters from my new shoes, but I didn’t think that would be fair. I’m even bigger than a pony and there’s only one of me. I bet she would have tried though. Your Mom is really nice.

4. Mother will be embarrassed because you are a two year old and no matter how cute, smart, funny and brilliant the two year old is (and yes, you are all of those things), they are still capable of being complete and utter arse wipes when in public and not in a cute way. In a totally annoying and whiny demanding way that makes parents feel they are being judged. They are right of course. They are parents. People always judge parents. Especially other parents. And you can be a right arse wipe when you have a melt down.

5. Mother is too fucking tired to really care whether or not you have a decent haircut. I suspect this is closer to the truth for you. She was pretty fucking tired while I was there. Come to think of it, I should have bought her some dog clippers and encouraged her to just shave your head, but I think you might have had a melt down over that. Would have been fun though.

So yeah, you’ve got a pretty awful hair cut, but as you’re so adorable, it doesn’t matter. Your hair is blondish with a little curl that is borderline cherubic and while you are still wearing nappies, your parents are spending more time on your shit covered arse than worrying about your hair anyway. I really do hope they potty train you soon. I also hope they train you to pee sitting down.

Why? Because I can’t see any fucking reason why toilets have to have seats so that boys and men can leave them up because they insist on pissing standing up. There’s simply no need. Unless your dick is abnormally large, which I very much doubt or I’m sure your Dad would have let it be known by now, your dick won’t touch the water!

So, I warn you now. This is Badass Auntie’s wisdom to you for today. When you visit your Badass Auntie, if you ever leave the toilet seat up, piss on the seat or dribble on the floor, I will superglue your arse to the toilet seat and you’ll have to wear it for weeks, maybe longer. Gottit? Just so we’re clear. I lived in a house for some time with a bunch of guys and carpet in the loo. It stunk of boy pee and was always sticky. I suffer PeeTSD as a result. Never again. Hear me? Never!

Much love from your Badass Auntie

Dear CK,

You were born with a full head of hair. I saw a photo of you on your Dad’s lap watching hand egg…sorry, I mean football and it looked like someone had put a wig on your head. It’s somewhat disconcerting seeing a newborn with thick, black, fuzzy hair.  I suppose I should be grateful that it’s on your head though and not on any other part of your anatomy. Would have been even more disturbing had it been, say, on the sole of your feet.

I did some research on newborn hair and I’m sorry to tell you, but it’s probably going to all fall out. They said it could either fall out all at once because when you’re born it’s the first time all of your hair grows at the same time, or it could fall out in parts. To be honest, given the amount of hair that you have, I think it would be best if it all comes out at once, otherwise you may end up looking like you’ve got early onset male pattern baldness. Not an attractive look for a baby.

Speaking of attractive looks, it will be interesting to see what your Mom decides to do with your hair as you get older. I am wondering if she’s going to get into the cutsie pig tails with bows thing, let it grow long and free like hers or if she’ll give you crap haircuts. Hair is very important to me, you see.  It’s an incredible tool of self expression.

I have piercings and tattoos, but the most fun I can have is with my hair and I’m still doing it even though I’m half a century old. I currently have a bleached blonde mohican, having only recently gotten bored with the hot pink I had it dyed for a while.  The great thing about hair is that you can transform it very regularly and cheaply.  I’ve had it all, dreadlocks, green, red, pink, orange …every colour you can think of really. I’ve shaved it off. I’ve had designs shaved into it and had a mohican with little cute curls once. I even had a perm, which was not a good idea at all. Even worse may have been the mullet. Thankfully, I never combined the two.


Today’s piece of wisdom from Badass Auntie is actually two-fold. The first bit is directed at you. You will probably experiment with a wide range of hairstyles. When I was young, we didn’t have the internet and only a few people – usually my rich friends – had cameras. Therefore there are not tons of photos of me with embarrassing hairstyles in existence to haunt me. You will not have that luxury, so make sure to choose your hairstyles carefully and your friends even more wisely. If they ever take a photo of you with a questionable hair style, threaten them, blackmail them or bribe them. Whatever is necessary to protect your hair reputation.

My second piece of wisdom is for your parents. It’s not likely that I’ll volunteer to babysit for CK until she’s old enough to fight me off, so be warned – if I ever do volunteer, be suspicious and check my bags because it’s likely that Badass Auntie has some Badass hair styling in mind for her niece.

Oh and always check the toilet seat at night when you go for a piss. Unless they do the right thing and teach KK to piss sitting down, you will fall in the bowl arse first. It’s not fun, but they’re scared that their dick will touch the water. It won’t.

Much love from your Badass Auntie


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