Good Manners and How to Abuse Them

Dear KK,

You know what really annoys me? Bad manners. I may be badass, but I try not to be unintentionally rude and yet so many people drift through life, spreading their rudeness around like a slug trail of transfat laden margarine on the crusty loaf of society. Speaking of which, margarine is disgusting and the use of which is barbaric when there is such a thing as real butter in existence, but I digress.

Not that long ago someone got in touch to ask me if I could do them a favour. I must admit that my bar for manners is high, so even this request struck me as rude given that the person is an acquaintance and not even a very appealing one at that. This person is the sort of acquaintance that when people ask if you know him, you respond with ‘well I KNOW him, but I wouldn’t take it further than that’. The behaviour I am about to describe will be further evidence as to why he will forever remain in the lower echelons of acquaintanceship.

I’m generally helpful, even to strangers and strange acquaintances. So, I said ‘sure’. He made his request and I explained that I wasn’t able to help him for a couple of weeks but that I’d be happy to help then and to get back in touch closer to the date.  Do you think he said ‘thank you’?  Of fucking course not.  Do you think he said ‘I can’t wait but I appreciate you offering’? Like fuck he did.  Do you think he said ‘Kiss my arse’? Not even.  Fuck wad.

This is not unusual behaviour, it seems. I don’t mean to sound bitter because what  I mean to sound like is the sort of person who holds on to this shit for a long, long time, letting it fester and rot. I mean to sound like the sort of person to whom rudeness is an abomination, such as no other since the invention of mixed fibers. I mean to sound like a spiteful woman, who will never forget your impolite slights. So, just in case, to make it clear – if you are a friend (or at least you think you are), family member or an acquaintance and any of these stories sound familiar, they are probably about you.  Even if your story hasn’t been told here, think hard. Have you been rude to me? Just know. I will never forget.

Some new people moved into town. We invited them around for a meal to try to make them feel welcome. They ruined it. Why? Oh, so many reasons. But I’ll share just two. They brought nothing, zip, bugger all, nada. No fucking bottle of wine for the hostess or even beer for themselves – even though they were happy to drink my generous offers of wine and whiskey. And then, and this is absolutely beyond forgiveness – they did not get in touch afterwards to say ‘thank you’. They are more than acquaintances now, because they’ve been in my fucking house and I’ve cooked for them. Arseholes. They bypassed acquaintanceship by stealth, but believe me. They will never, I repeat, never, make it to fully qualified friendship mode and will never be invited for dinner again.  Why? Because they were unintentionally rude.  And there are simply no excuses because I know they are perfectly capable of being intentionally rude. I’ve seen them do it.

Now, it’s time for some personal shit. When I visited you recently, you weren’t on mark with your ‘pleases’ and ‘thank yous’. You better get with the programme kid. I expect, no, I demand ‘thank yous’. Remember, I am your Auntie.  Your only Auntie. You do have a Tia and one of these days I’ll get around to telling you about her, but I do the shopping.  Do you understand? I have the Amazon account password.  If you’re smart, you can simply train your parents to be polite on your behalf.

So, your words of wisdom from your Badass Auntie today are: Make sure you know how to be polite so that you are able to hone the fine skill of being rude intentionally. Intentional rudeness is a delicate and powerful art form, but one that needs a solid foundation in understanding good manners in the first place. If you want to study this art form, pay attention to ladies from the southern USA. They are so impressive at it that they can have good manners and be rude to you at the exact same time. For example, if a southern woman ever says to you ‘well, bless your heart’, chances are that what she really means is ‘you’re an arsehole’. ‘I’ll pray for you’ is another one, but as I’ll be doing a very thorough blog on religion at a later date – even though the contextual use of ‘I’ll pray for you’ as an insult has little to do with religion and everything to do with perfecting condescension – I won’t elaborate further than to say that they won’t be praying good things. I don’t happen to pray, nor am I a southern lady, but I do sometimes resort to telling people that I’ll get others to pray for them. If I ever say that to you, you better know someone who can hack my Amazon account.

Much love from your Badass Auntie

Dear CK,

Going to keep this one brief today.  First of all, see above. Manners. OK, I know you can’t say anything yet, but at the very least save your puke for those who appreciate it most. Nothing says I love you like a streak of white, rancid booby milk flowing down the back of an adoring relative.

So your wise words from your Badass Auntie today are: Never confuse being polite with tolerating shit from people who patronise you because you are a girl. You do not have to say ‘thank you’ when people give you backhanded compliments, especially ones that end with ‘for a girl’. Tell them to kiss your girly arse – and then don’t forget to say ‘please’ followed rapidly by ‘thank you’. Because there is nothing more exquisite than being rudely polite.

271015 kiss my arse

Much love from your Badass Auntie

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