Aren’t you the lucky fellow. You’ve actually had the chance to meet me. Granted, we have only spent a couple of weeks together, but do appreciate that you’ve spent more time with me than any other human under the age of two except for your Dad. This might tell you a little bit about me and as you don’t really know me very well, I suppose I should give you the opportunity to change your mind, before you proclaim that I’m your favourite Auntie.
I’ll start by handing the floor over to my friends. I asked a bunch of them to define me in one or two words and I’m simply going to share the list with you here in the order in which they were received. (This is the narcissistic part of this blog and I’m reveling in it.)
- Alternative (a bit weak but accurate enough)
- Amazing (That comes from your Tia, who I will talk about plenty later in future blogs, and was the correct and required response to the question.)
- Awesome (That also came from your Tia and was suggested to annoy me. You may never understand why that annoys me but it does. I do not like the word ‘awesome’ being used to describe ordinary human beings. It should only be applied to things like The Grand Canyon or tornadoes. I would add the words ‘in my opinion’ to the end of that sentence, but as this entire blog is my opinion and as I think my opinion is correct, it’s a silly thing to do)
- Stonkingly rad (Stonking is a great word that you may not encounter often in the USA, but trust me, it’s a great word. Combining it with the word ‘rad’, which is trite but has a vintage cool about it is interesting and, at the least, creative. I’ll just shut up and be grateful I suppose.)
- Quirky, non-conformist, idiosyncratic, effervescent, mercurial (These came as a list from a single person, who happens to have a rather good imagination and broad vocabulary. I’ll take ‘quirky’ and ‘non-conformist’. I think she was just trying to be nice and clever with the last three, but she is both of those things, so I’ll let her off.)
- Incredible (This one, along with some others carries a hint of super-hero. The idea of being incredible and a super-hero may have some appeal, but it sounds like an awful lot of responsibility. Way too much to live up to.)
- Renegade (Now, I really like this one. It sounds wild west and rebellious.)
- Militant, agitator, anarchist (These come from the same person who provided the previous list. She’s a bit competitive. I have toyed with being these things in the past, but now they are but faded dreams.)
- Firebrand, rebel, subverter (Yes, that’s her again with the lists.)
Enough already. Don’t get me wrong. I could go on for days listing the complimentary things my friends say about me, but I think you’ve got the picture. There are only two I will add to this list because they came from people who I hold in very high esteem – one was ‘bodacious’. That’s a good word, but a little bit too Beyonce (Look her up. She’s a pop star and will be old when you read this.) for me. I feel like I’d need a much better arse, and to be a much better dancer to wear the word bodacious with pride for some reason. My favourite of all, came from one of my favourite people, who happens to be incredibly brave and one of my own super heroes. I hope you can meet him one day. He called me an intellectual badass. While I’m very flattered by the intellectual bit, I’m not kidding myself – but, the badass bit, I own and that was all the confirmation I needed, that I truly am as badass as I think I am (except when I watch things about animals that make me cry).
Now that you know me a little bit better, through the words of my own friends, you can decide whether I am, indeed, your favourite auntie. I’m torn about this because it will be much cheaper for me at Christmas and birthdays if I’m not, so don’t feel obligated.
As for the promised words of wisdom. Let it be known that chickens produce shits as big as their own eggs and the shit and eggs come out of the same hole. Truly something we all should have been told.
Much love from your Badass Auntie
Hello my little chickadee. I haven’t met you yet and look, I’m already giving you cute and condescending pet names. You’re a girl. Get used to it. Condescension will be forever yours to enjoy, tolerate and make sure you appear bloody grateful while you’re doing it. This is why you are ever so lucky to have a Badass Auntie. Today’s lesson will be about not putting up with annoying adults. Of course, as a newborn, your weapons are limited to loud noises, puking, shitting and peeing. Use those tools wisely. Become a ninja of the bodily function, because no matter how old you get, you may eventually find a way to use those again to your benefit. And, if you’re ever desperate for money, there are people who pay to watch other people perform incredible feats with urine. It’s true.
Once you gain a vocabulary – and I shall do my duty to ensure it’s a comprehensive one – you will have the most powerful weapon of all at your disposal. I read an article on the internet yesterday. I have no idea what the internet will be like when you grow up, but right now it’s full of stuff. Some of that stuff is useful and helpful, much of that stuff has something to do with the people who are paid to do incredible feats with urine and the rest of it is utter gobshite. ‘Gobshite’ – there you go; we’re already working on your vocabulary.
Getting back to the article I read. Apparently ‘experts’ (Please know that the title ‘expert’ does not guarantee the quality or credibility of the source, so please tread carefully whenever the word ‘expert’ is used.) say that children who talk back to their parents become more successful adults. If there were a credible source for this piece of information, the author of the article I read must have accidentally omitted it, but never mind. The good thing about the gobshite you read on the internet is that you can decide whether or not you think it’s a fact and then go around pretending you’re an ‘expert’ too.
So, here is today’s words of wisdom for you. If you feel that someone is patronising you, use every and all weapons at your disposal. I’m not going to make things complicated yet, so I’m just going to teach you a few important words and phrases to know early to help you along this path.
No – can be used at any time. In fact, if you want to worry your parents sick, make up songs about it while you are in the bathtub or just shout it randomly at them. If anyone ever does anything to you that you do not like or want them to do, ‘no’ is your friend. The key to its efficacy is volume. That is something you can start working on now.
Why – should be used liberally. This word is a question and a statement of rebellion all wrapped up in one tidy package. It’s an acceptable response to anything any adult tells you. It is also an acceptable way to get attention and maintain it for long periods of time.
Fucker – should be encouraged and used liberally, but for some reason, many do not approve. The two most powerful contexts in which to use this word are:
1. When you want to be cute, as in ‘I’m a little fucker, I am.’ Even adults who want to be angry won’t be able to resist. Best saved for large social occasions involving many family members and your parents’ work colleagues.
2. When you want to be an arsehole, as in ‘You’re a big fucker, you are.’ Again, this is a great one to use at social occasions, but even more so in public places to annoying, condescending strangers.
Much love from your Badass Auntie